01 March 2021

My thoughts on Loss: Love vs Fear

Reflections of My Life My Thoughts on Loss: Love vs Fear Copyright Vernon Chalmers Photography
"Life is the first gift, love is the second, and understanding the third" — Marge Piercy

When we lose good people that were close to us the loss / pain is almost incomprehensible to self and in explanation to others.

I lost my mother in March 2017 and it took me quite some time to process and properly grieve this loss.

Today I cherish her life and am thankful for the legacy she left with her good values, gratitude and unconditional love.

The same can be said of my friend, Joseph Inns, who passed away in April 2021. A true giant among men...

Grieving The Loss of Joseph Inns

When you lose somebody (death or otherwise) that were severely compromised in the application of basic values, healthy emotions and expectations the 'wound' can take a long time to heal. If you lose somebody in Love the mourning and healing is a sad, but healthy grieving process vis-a-vis losing somebody in Fear (due to abuse and emotional disconnect), the mourning and healing is a long drawn out process (and reality check) that runs toxic and wild in the mind.

There is no legacy, there is no 'statue' in the mind for emotional perpetrators. I had to learn new ways to deal with my thoughts and today am grateful for letting someone go that I thought I would never forgive for the verbal, physical and psychological abuse incurred. 

The essence of self-preservation were the months that I had to go into the darkness of my soul with no torch / no light to face myself, to learn more about the rawness of the dejected self - in honesty and fairness of who I was, want to be, will be, can / could be... without judgement, prejudice and / or fear.

From Fearful Loss to Acceptance 
After completing my One Year After Leaving an Abusive / Toxic Relationship article I felt a great sense of closure and relief. The core of my true self, through time, introspection and learning, was being restored by facing up to the acceptance of a failed relationship that once consumed not only my mind, but every fibre of my rational and emotional being.

Acceptance is an essential realisation of being at peace with the true self - the same self that was once immersed in the Cognitive Dissonance of loving (and the fear of leaving) someone that neither respected nor trusted my integrity, goodwill and / or values. 

The authentic self should always emerge, if allowed... not in relation to others first, but to the self first. This does not mean I diminish the roles others play in my life, their roles are meaningful - when they are 'healthy' individuals."

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"Let go of people who aren't ready to love you yet! This is the hardest thing you'll have to do in your life and it will also be the most important thing: stop giving your love to those who aren't ready to love you yet. Stop hard conversations with people who don't want to change. Stop showing up for people who are indifferent to your presence. Stop loving people who aren't ready to love you."  Powerful Words of 'Letting Go'

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Marge Piercy quote from the book THANKS! How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier
Robert A. Emmons, PH.D.


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