31 May 2022

Personal Focus and Self-Improvement Resources

Self-Awareness and Personal Development

Personal Focus and Self-Improvement Resources : Mental Health and Motivation

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” - George Bernard Shaw.

Personal Focus and Self-Improvement  : Self-Focus and Development / Growth

How To Focus On Yourself Without Being Selfish Article

Mindset : The New Psychology of Success
Carol S. Dweck PH.D.

Personal Development Books That Will Change Your Life Article

Practical Ways to Start Working on Self-Improvement Article

Preventing Burnout: 4 Strategies to Cultivate Your Energy and Engagement Article

Reasons Why Personal Development Should be a Priority Article

Self-Awareness and Personal Development Article

Self Development : Conscious Pursuit of Personal Growth  Article

Self-Care Practices for Every Area of Your Life Article

Science-backed Tips to Stay Focused and Avoid Distractions Article

Signs You Need to Focus on your Personal Development Article

Stop Being Mean to Yourself: A Story About Finding The True Meaning of Self-Love
Melody Beattie

The Beginner’s Guide to Continuous Self-Improvement Article

Things You Can Do to Improve Your Personal Development Article

Vital Steps Toward Personal Growth And Development Article

Ways to Build Healthy Self-Focus Habits Article

Ways To Improve Your Personal Development Skills Article

Why You Need To Focus on Personal Development Article


🎓 Mental Health, Psychology and Relationship Resources

Psychotherapy Resources

What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Psychotherapy Resources : Mental Health and Motivation

"Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be." — Wayne Dyer
What is Psychotherapy?

Differences between Psychology, Psychiatry and Psychotherapy

Psychotherapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

What is Psychotherapy? American Psychiatric Association

Acceptance and Mindfulness in Cognitive Behavior Therapy : Understanding and Applying the New Therapies James D. Herbert / Evan M. Forman

CBT Made Simple: A Clinician’s Guide to Practicing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Nina Josefowitz / David Myran / Zindel V. Segal

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy: 100 Key Points and Techniques Michael Neenan / Windy Dryden

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Adult Anxiety Disorders Article

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Adolescents and Young Adults PDF Document Download

Cognitive Behavior Therapy of DSM-5 Personality Disorders: Assessment, Case Conceptualization, and Treatment Len Sperry / Jon Sperry

Different Approaches to Psychotherapy American Psychological Association

Differences between Psychology, Psychiatry and Psychotherapy NHS

Doing CBT: A Comprehensive Guide to Working with Behaviors, Thoughts, and Emotions
David F. Tolin

Handbook of Brief Cognitive Behaviour Therapy
Frank W. Bond / Windy Dryden

Handbook of Dynamic Psychotherapy for Higher Level Personality Pathology
Eve Caligor, M.D. Otto F. Kernberg, M.D. John F. Clarkin, Ph.D.

How Does Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) Work? Video

Introduction to Counselling and Psychotherapy: The Essential Guide
Stephen Palmers

Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts : a CBT-Based Guide to Getting Over Frightening, Obsessive, or Disturbing Thoughts Martin N. / Sally M.

Psychotherapy : Definition, Types, Techniques, Efficacy Very Well Mind

Psychotherapy : What to Expect and How it Works Medical News Today

Psychopathology and Psychotherapy: DSM-5 Diagnosis, Case Conceptualization, and Treatment
Len Sperry / Jon Carlson / Jill Duba Sauerheber / Jon Sperry

Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy After Child Abuse: The Treatment of Adults and Children Who Have Experienced Sexual Abuse, Violence, and Neglect in Childhood Daniel McQueen / Roger Kennedy / Valerie Sinason / Fay Maxted

Theory and Practice of Counseling and Psychotherapy
Gerald Corey

Theories of Counseling and Psychotherapy : Systems, Strategies, and Skills
Linda Seligman / Lourie Reichenberg

The Key Principles of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)  Article

Types of Psychotherapy for Mental Illnesses WebMD

Understanding psychotherapy and how it works American Psychological Association

What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? Article

What are Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Session Looks Like Video

What Are The Benefits Of Psychodynamic Therapy? Regain

What Is Psychodynamic Therapy? Types, Techniques and Benefits DR. AXE

What are Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Session Looks Like Video

What Are The Benefits Of Psychodynamic Therapy? Regain

Working with Traumatic Memories to Heal Adults with Unresolved Childhood Trauma: Neuroscience, Attachment Theory and Pesso Boyden System Psychomotor Psychotherapy 
Jonathan Baylin / Petra Winnette

Watch a Live Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) Session - Video


29 May 2022

Defining Wellness Centers

Addiction Treatment and Recovery Programs

Defining Wellness Centers : Addiction Treatment and Recovery
Defining Wellness Centers : Addiction Treatment and Recovery

Addiction Treatment and Recovery

Mental Health Treatment Programs

Struggling with mental health can last for weeks, months or even years. The truth is that trauma is at the heart of many mental health conditions. It can be hard to recognize this on your own, which is where an inpatient mental health treatment program can be truly beneficial. 

Not only can you begin to recognize and understand your trauma, but you can also build a toolbox of coping skills to help you combat it when you are going about your normal, everyday life outside of treatment.

Defining Wellness Centers : Brandon, Mississippi, USA

Mental Health Treatment Programs 
  • Dual Diagnosis Treatment Program
  • Medical Detox Program
  • Inpatient Drug and Alcohol Rehab
  • Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP)
  • Outpatient Drug & Alcohol Rehab
  • Defining Wellness Family Program

Treatment Programs / Rehab
  • Alcohol Rehab Program
  • Adderall Addiction Treatment
  • Benzodiazepine Rehab
  • Cocaine Rehab
  • Fentanyl (Duragesic) Addiction
  • Heroin Addiction
  • Meth Rehab
  • Opioid Addiction
  • Tramadol Addiction
  • Xanax Addiction
  • Inpatient Mental Health Treatment Program

Treatment Strategies
  • Wellness Technology
  • Physical Health & Fitness Program
  • Trauma-Based Therapy

More Information >>

Source / Reference: Defining Wellness Centers

Published with permission from Defining Wellness Centers 

BlueCrest Recovery Center

Addiction Recovery and Treatment

Addiction Recovery Treatment BlueCrest Recovery Center
Addiction Recovery Treatment BlueCrest Recovery Center

Addiction Recovery Treatment

Clinical and Spiritual Therapy

The BlueCrest Experience
BlueCrest Recovery Center offers a unique treatment approach that integrates evidence-based practice with 12-step principles to heal the physical, mental and spiritual components of addiction and co-occurring disorders.

BlueCrest Recovery’s unique treatment approach integrates evidence-based practice and 12-step principles. Our comprehensive program incorporates numerous clinical and spiritual therapies, offering those suffering from substance abuse and co-occurring disorders the best opportunity for recovery. A few of the various treatment modalities we offer include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectal Behavior Therapy (DBT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), yoga, meditation and 12-step educational groups. We also administer Vivitrol for clients seeking medically assisted treatment (MAT) to support their recovery efforts.

Located minutes outside of New York City (USA), BlueCrest Recovery Center is committed to improving the lives of our clients and their families. From initial contact to discharge, dedicated and talented staff members ensure every component of care meets rigorous standards. Our skilled clinicians strive to empower each individual with our unique treatment approach that integrates evidence-based practice with 12-Step principles.

BlueCrest Recovery Treatment Philosophy

BlueCrest believes that substance abuse and co-occurring disorders cannot be fully addressed without healing the Mind, Body and Spirit. BlueCrest’s skilled clinical team is comprised of licensed medical and mental health professionals. Our staff also includes yoga and meditation instructors in addition to our leadership and support team. A cornerstone of BlueCrest’s treatment philosophy is our low client-to-counselor ratio, providing everyone we treat with the personalized therapy and care they both need and deserve.

BlueCrest Treatment: What we treat

Source / Reference: BlueCrest

Published with permission from BlueCrest Recovery Center

28 May 2022

Relationship Abuse Recovery Article Index

Abuse Symptoms, Domestic Violence and Trauma

Vernon Chalmers Abusive Relationship Article Index : : Mental Health and Motivation

You can recognize survivors of abuse by their courage. When silence is so very inviting, they step forward and share their truth so others know they aren't alone.”― Jeanne McElvaney

Walking away from someone you love is not an immoral thing. If that person isn’t good for your wellbeing in any way, it’s important to step away from that relationship.”― Arien Smith

Personal Mental Health Journal. Road to Recovery...

Abuse Recovery Articles : Vernon Chalmers Recovery Narrative
  • In the Absence of Gratitude...
  • Abusive and Violent Behaviour Against Me
  • Abuse, Domestic Violence and Trauma
  • 20 Relationship Red Flags I unfortunately Ignored for Months
  • The Challenge of Cognitive Dissonance
  • Achievements / Lessons from an Abusive Relationship
  • Thoughts on Love, Loss and Grief
  • Acceptance, Healing and Rebuilding after Grief and Loss
  • Restoring a Sense of Calm (after an Abusive Relationship)
  • From Therapeutic Journaling to Online Publishing
  • My Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse

The listed Article Index is part of my Portfolio of Choice therapeutic journaling experience that I created for assisting me in overcoming the abuse, domestic violence and associated trauma I was subjected to during and after an abusive relationship that ended in August 2020. The last article 'My Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse' is the final article in completing my 'recovery narrative'. 

My Portfolio of Choice article collection is testimony to the (healing) power of knowledge, time and writing as therapeutic guidance to overcome, accept and heal from one of the biggest disappointments of my life.

In the Absence of Gratitude...
During the infatuation stage of the relationship it never occurred to me that I was never thanked for anything. It was only while living with her full time (in a routine environment) that this behaviour of ingratitude was now overtly manifesting itself. Over the short term this behaviour from her was repeated ever so often and I felt the need to address this delicate issue. Read more >>

Abusive and Violent Behaviour Against Me
When the first verbal and physical threats occurred about four months into the relationship I was overwhelmed with my ex-girlfriend's threatening and aggressive behaviour towards me. I was oblivious to the fact that she was capable of this aggressive behaviour (although at that stage I was well aware of her at-times callous and self-centered nature). Read more >>

Abuse, Domestic Violence and Trauma
Through reading, sheer determination and my support system (of family and friends) the benefit of time slowly turned the infinite upside-down puzzle pieces around in my mind. Its only lately that I'm able see a more integrated and complete picture - a clear vision of what life should be without the toxicity of abuse and domestic violence. Read more >>

20 Relationship Red Flags I Unfortunately Ignored for Months
For months I was witness to / and on the receiving end of some of the most abusive and antisocial human behaviour that I have ever experienced in my life. I started living with my ex-girlfriend during the first Covid-lockdown period where her unacceptable and abusive behaviour towards me happened on a regular basis. Read more >>

The Challenge of Cognitive Dissonance
During the past year I referred to Cognitive Dissonance in several of my articles and Facebook comments. Now, in the final stretch and conclusion of my own ‘healing journey’, herewith an explanation, own interpretation and personal experience on how cognitive dissonance can sometimes cause incessant confusion, uncertainty and disparity in our minds. Read more >>

Achievements / Lessons from an Abusive Relationship
I have always considered empathy and gratitude as important personal / relationship qualities - its only now that I truly understand the impact and consequences when these emotional values are vaguely selective or completely absent from someone's Emotional Intelligence repertoire. The words 'thank you' became the most important words in my vocabulary over the last year. Read more >>

My thoughts on Love, Loss and Grief
The Mental Health and Motivation journaling has assisted me in many ways for coming to terms with the two significant personal losses I have experienced during 2020 / 2021 - my girlfriend at the time and my friend, Joseph. The second loss of Joseph was the most poignant. The writing and publication on this public domain also provided definite content, context...  Read more >>

Acceptance, Healing and Rebuilding after Grief and Loss
Having accepted the undercurrent ebb and flow presence of my grief I find myself thinking less and less of this specific grief (and person). The ever-consuming dark thoughts of grief and loss made way for more coherent thinking and mindful living of being in the moment - focussing on the daily awareness of here and now... Read more >>

Restoring a Sense of Calm (after an Abusive Relationship)
It took me 18 months to fully comprehend and finally accept that this period in my life was a steep and important learning curve in gaining a better understanding of the destructive behaviour against me. One of the biggest achievements was the much needed insight into my own emotional vulnerability in dealing with (any) abusive behaviour against me and how it should be handled in future. Read more >>

From Therapeutic Journaling to Online Publishing
I have had an interest in the theory and application of mental health, psychology and motivation as a human resources and management science student (and lecturer later) in subjects such as organisational psychology, sociology and human resources / business management. Little did I know that years later I would have my own private domain for publicly sharing my life experiences and resources with so many others. Read more >>

My Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse
In the aftermath of the relationship I struggled to come to terms with the grandiose disdain shown for any contributions of compassion and goodwill I effortlessly offered during the relationship. I questioned my empathetic vulnerabilities, my own identity and core values that could possibly have 'justified' the abuse against me. It took more than a year of soul searching, research and the passing of significant time for creating the inner peace to complete the recovery puzzle. Read more >>

© Vernon Chalmers : Mental Health and Motivation (Domestic Violence and Trauma)

Abuse and Domestic Violence Articles

Abuse and Domestic Violence Articles

Abuse and Domestic Violence Articles : Mental Health and Motivation

Abuse and Domestic Violence Article Resources

For Men and Women Leaving Abusive Relationships

For Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

Survivors of Domestic, Child, Emotional, Physical, Sexual and Verbal Abuse  

Abuse Amnesia: Why We Stay with Our Abusive Partners Article

Abusive Relationships: Don't Let Abusers Waste Your Empathy Article

Barriers to Leaving an Abusive Relationship Article

Breaking Trauma Bonds One Step at a Time Article

Characteristics of Abusers Article

Can a Relationship Be Saved After Domestic Violence? Article

Cognitive Dissonance in Narcissistic Abuse Article

Controlling Behavior Has a Reason - and a Better Alternative Article 

Domestic Abuse, Sexual Violence and Substance Use Article

Domestic Violence and Abuse Article

Domestic Violence and Abusive Relationships Article

Domestic Violence Facts, Types and Effects Article

Domestic Violence Against Men Article

Domestic Violence Against Men : Prevalence and Risk Factors Article

Domestic Violence Resource Manual PDF Document Download

Emotional Abuse in Intimate Relationships: The Role of Gender and Age Article

Family Violence Explained Article

Guide to Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse n Scotland  PDF Document Download

Help for Men Who are Being Abused Article

Help-seeking by male victims of domestic violence and abuse (DVA): A Systematic
Review and Qualitative Evidence Synthesis PDF Document Download

How Can I Explain the Impact of Narcissistic Abuse on Me? Article

How Long Does It Take to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse? Article

How To Cope With A Loved One’s Antisocial Personality Article

How to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship Article

How to Heal After an Abusive Relationship Article

How To Help A Friend Who May Be In An Abusive Relationship Article

How to Identify a Narcissist - and Cope with their Potentially Toxic Behavior Article

How to Leave an Abusive Relationship Article

How to Leave a Violent Relationship Safely Article

How to Leave an Abusive Relationship and Never Go Back Article

How To Leave A Narcissist & An Abusive Relationship Article

How to Leave a Toxic Relationship When You’re Still in Love Article

How to Recognize an Abusive Relationship from the Inside Article

How to Recognize the Signs of Mental and Emotional Abuse Article

How to Recognize Verbal Abuse Article

How To Spot Narcissistic Abuse : Behaviors & Warning Signs Article

How To Tell If You’re In a Trauma Bonding Relationship Article

I am in an Abusive Relationship. Is there help out there? Article

International Domestic Violence Resource Guide Mystic Mag

In a Relationship with a Narcissist? What You Need to Know About
Narcissistic Relationships Article

I Didn't Know a Man Could Be Abused by a Woman Article

Inside the Mind of a Stalker Article

Intimate Partner Abuse of Men Australia PDF Document Download

Leaving an Abusive Relationship when you Live Together Article

Living with a New Partner After Abuse Article

Love Bombing : The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Article

Male Domestic Abuse is more Common than you Think Article

Male Victims of Domestic Violence Struggle to Disclose Abuse Article

Male Victims of Sexual Violence: War's Silent Sufferers Article

Men Abused by Women in Intimate Relationships PDF Document Download

Men’s Experience of Domestic Abuse (Scotland) PDF Document Download

Men’s Experiences of Violence and Abuse from a Female Intimate Partner: Power,
Masculinity and Institutional Systems (Doctoral Research) 
PDF Document Download

Men's Experiences of Violence in Intimate Relationships PDF Document Download

Narcissist Abuse and Cognitive Dissonance More

Narcissistic Abuse Cycle: Idealization, Devaluation, Rejection Article

Narcissistic Abuse and Gaslighting Resources

Narcissistic Abuse: Signs, Effects & Treatments Article

Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome Article

Nine Types of Violence and Abuse PDF Document Download

Patterns of Physical Abuse : Domestic Violence Article

Profile of an Abuser – Traits of an Abuser Article

Overcoming the Aftermath of Leaving a Toxic Relationship Article

Qualitative Study to Investigate Male victims’ Experiences of Female-Perpetrated
Domestic Abuse in Jordan PDF Document Download

Reactive Abuse: What It is and Why Abusers Rely on It Article
Reclaiming Your Voice: Saying No to Emotional Abuse  Article

Recovery: Resilience and Growth in the Aftermath of Domestic Violence PDF Download

Recognize Domestic Violence Against Men Article

Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse, Part I: Blindsided Article

Relationship Abuse Recovery Articles Vernon Chalmers

Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse, Part II: The No-Contact Rule Article

Relationship Abuse Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) Article

Relationship Red Flags More

Resource Guide for Male Survivors of Abuse, Sexual Assault and Trauma Article

Serving Male-Identified Survivors of Intimate Partner Violence PDF Document Download 

Silent Treatment: Preferred Weapon of People with Narcissism Article

Signs and Symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome Article

Signs of an Abusive Wife and How to Deal With It Marriage

Signs of Emotional Abuse in Relationships That You Should Never Overlook Article

Signs Someone Is Coming Off As Abrasive Without Realizing It Article

Signs That Indicate a Relationship Could Turn Violent Article

Signs That Your Relationship Could Turn Abusive Article

Signs You're the Victim of Narcissistic Abuse Article

Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist - and How to Get Out Article

Signs Your Girlfriend is a Psychopath Article

Steps to Leave a Toxic Relationship Article

Signs You Are Experiencing Trauma After A Toxic Relationship Article

Signs You’re In A Toxic Relationship and Need To Let Go Article

Some Thoughts about Victimization, Anger and Abuse Article

Supporting Someone in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship Article

Talking to Men about Gender, Domestic and Sexual Violence and HIV/AIDS
 PDF Document Download

The Effects of Domestic Violence: The Male Victims Perspective PDF Document Download

The Effect of Parental Emotional Abuse on the severity and treatment of PTSD symptoms in Children and Adolescents Science Direct

The Effect of Relationship Abuse on Children Article

The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence : Abused Men in Intimate Heterosexual Relationships

The Most Glaring Traits of a Female Narcissist Article

The Systematic Silencing of Male Victims of Sexual Violence in Conflict Article Article

The Toxic Shadow of Emotional Abuse Article

The Understudied Female Sexual Predator Article

Things I Wish I Knew Before Leaving My Abusive Relationship Article

Things Men Don’t Realize About Domestic Violence Article

Toxic Relationships: How to Let Go When It’s Unhappily Ever After Article

Toxic Relationships vs. Abusive Relationships Article

Treating Women Who Have Experienced Intimate Partner Violence PDF Document Download

Toxic Relationships : How To Let Go when its Unhappily Ever After Article

Tricks of Toxic Narcissists (in Abusive Relationships) Article

Types of Abuse in Domestic and Family Violence Article

Understanding the Signs of Domestic Violence Article

Understanding Verbal Abuse Article

Victimization, Anger and Abuse Article

What Are the Signs of Domestic Abuse? Article

What Causes Domestic Violence? Article

What Causes Relationship Abuse? Article

What is Domestic Abuse? Article

What is a Toxic Relationship? Article

What's 'Love Bombing' And How Do I Know When It's Happening To Me? Article

What Is Stockholm Syndrome? Article

What is Verbal Abuse? Article

What is Sexual Abuse in Marriage Article 

What Type of Woman Stalks Men? Article

When I finally left my abusive relationship, I found support lacking for men like me Article

When Men are Victims of Violence Article

Why Do People Abuse? Article

Why Do People Abuse Other People? Article

Why did I Waste So Long in an Abusive Relationship? Discussion

Why It's So Hard to Leave an Abusive Relationship Article

'Why It Took 10 Years For Me To Realise I Was In An Abusive Relationship' Article

Women who Kill in Response to Domestic Violence: How do Criminal Justice
Systems Respond? PDF Document Download

You are not responsible for Domestic Violence… Article




🎓 All  Abuse Domestic Violence and Trauma Resource

Abuse and Trauma Recovery

Abuse and Trauma Recovery Reading Resources

Abuse and Trauma Recovery : Mental Health and Motivation

"Someone who has experienced trauma also has gifts to offer all of us - in their depth, their knowledge of our universal vulnerability, and their experience of the power of compassion."  — Sharon Salzberg

Mental Health and Trauma Resources

Trauma after a Relationship with a Narcissist

What is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma after Violence and Domestic Abuse
Trauma Resources are divided into Article Links and Book Mentions

Trauma  / Trauma Recovery Article Links 

Breaking Trauma Bonds One Step at a Time Article

Complete Guide to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Article 

Dr. Gabor Maté - Addiction and Trauma Expert YouTube Channel

Effects of Domestic Violence: The Male Victims Perspective Article

Emotional and Psychological Trauma Article

How to Break an Abusive Trauma Bond Article

How To Heal From Emotional Abuse Article

How to Love Yourself After a Long Battle in an Abusive Relationship Article

How To Spot Trauma Bonding : An Abusive Relationship Dynamic Article

How to Start Healing After Experiencing Domestic Violence Article

How To Tell If You’re In a Trauma Bonding Relationship Article

How Trauma Lives on After Abuse Ends Article

Leaving An Abusive Partner An Empirical Review of Predictors, the Process of Leaving, and Psychological Well-Being Research Gate

Overcoming the Aftermath of Leaving a Toxic Relationship Article
Recovering from someone with a Personality Disorder Article
  • Anti-Social Personality Disorder
  • Borderline Personality Disorder
  • Narcissism / Narcissistic Personality Disorder
  • Sociopathy / Psychopathy

Recovery: Resilience and Growth in the Aftermath of Domestic Violence PDF Download

Resource Guide for Male Survivors of Abuse, Sexual Assault and Trauma Article

Serving Male-Identified Survivors of Intimate Partner Violence PDF Document Download 

Silent Treatment: Preferred Weapon of People with Narcissism Article

Steps to Recovering from a Toxic Trauma Bond Article

Signs You Are Experiencing Trauma After A Toxic Relationship Article

Stages of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse Article

Stages of Recovery After Trauma Article

Thaw Out After an Abusive Relationship, Even if it Hurts like Hell! Article

The Effects of Domestic Violence: The Male Victims Perspective PDF Document Download

The Effect of Relationship Abuse on Children Article

The Impact of Witnessing Domestic Violence on Children: A Systematic Review 

Things People Don't Realize You're Doing Because You Survived an Abusive Relationship Article

Therapy for Abuse Survivors, Survivors of Abuse Article

Trauma Bonding: Definition, Examples, Signs, and Recovery Article

'Trauma Bonding' Explains Why People Stay in Abusive Relationships Article

Trauma Bonding: What Is It and Why Do We Do It? Article

Treating Women Who Have Experienced Intimate Partner Violence PDF Document Download

Vernon Chalmers Relationship Abuse Recovery Article Index

What Are the Short- and Long-Term Effects of Emotional Abuse? Article

What is Trauma Bonding? Article

What is Trauma? 'The Body Keeps the Score' explains - Bessel van der Kolk YouTube Video

When Abusive Relationships End: A Complex Grief Article

Why am I struggling to move on after Abuse? Article


Healing and Trauma Book Mentions

Finding Life Beyond Trauma : Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to Heal from Post-Traumatic Stress and Trauma-Related Problems Victoria M. Follette / Jacqueline Pistorello / Steven C. Hayes

Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse
Dr. Gregory L. Jantz / Ann McMurray

Healing Developmental Trauma: How Early Trauma Affects Self-Regulation, Self-Image, and the Capacity for Relationship Laurence Heller PH.D. / Aline LaPierre Psy.D.

Healing Trauma : A Pioneering Program for Restoring the Wisdom of Your Body
Peter A. Levine PH.D.

In an Unspoken Voice : How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness
Peter A. Levine, PH.D.  / Foreword by Gabor Maté, M.D. 

Injured Men Trauma, Healing, and the Masculine Self
Ira Brenner, M.D.

Keep Pain in the Past: Getting Over Trauma, Grief and the Worst That’s Ever Happened to You
Dr. Chris Cortman /  Dr. Joseph Walden 

Object Relations in Severe Trauma: Psychotherapy of the Sexually Abused Child
Stephen Prior

The Abuse of Men : Trauma Begets Trauma
Barbara Jo Brothers

The Body Keeps the Score : Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma
Bessel A. van der Kolk M.D.

The Body Remembers : The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment
Babette Rochschild

Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence : From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror
Judith L. Herman M.D.

Trauma and Recovery : Traumatic Disorders and Stages of Recovery
Judith L.Herman, M.D.

Waking the Tiger : Healing Trauma - The Innate Capacity to Transform Overwhelming Experiences Peter A. Levine

What Is "Trauma"? - and How to Cope With It


🎓  All  Abuse Domestic Violence and Trauma Resource

20 Relationship Red Flags I Unfortunately Ignored for Months

Red Flag Antisocial Behaviour Awareness and Manifestations

Relationship Red Flags I Ignored for Months: Mental Health and Motivation
Never Ignore Relationship Red Flags

"The red flags are usually there, you just have to keep your eyes open wider than your heart."— April Mae Monterrosa

You will never know how damaged a person is until you try to love them.” — Anonymous

Relationship Red Flag Behaviour Warning Signs

Relationship Red Flag Behaviour could be Permanent Behaviour

Red Flag Behaviour / Relationship Conclusions 

For months I was witness to / and on the receiving end of some of the most abusive and antisocial relationship behaviour that I have ever experienced in my life. I started living with my ex-girlfriend during the first Covid-lockdown period where her unprovoked abusive behaviour towards me happened on a regular basis.

I observed many of her communication and behaviour patterns as potential red flags early on in the relationship (even before our lockdown), but foolishly ignored most of them. It was only when her threatening behaviour escalated into physical assault and perpetual verbal abuse that I realised the seriousness of the situation. It wasn't an easy decision, but after this realisation (and the fact that her behaviour against me could deteriorate further) I took the necessary action to withdraw from the toxic relationship.

From red flag incidents to serious antisocial behavioural manifestations 
I will briefly describe twenty of the most profound red flag incidents that occurred during the course of the relationship. This will be followed by associating the incidents with specific irrational behavioural manifestations / characteristics - as perceived and identified by me during an approximately nine-month period.

Red Flag behaviour / incidents that had the biggest impact on me (and the relationship):

  • She was rarely ever on time when she visited my apartment. To be more than an hour late sometimes is no exaggeration. I phoned her once after she did not arrive for more than three hours - she merely told me she forgot (and this was while she was in my area on business prior to our confirmed appointment).

  • I lived like a guest in her apartment. In the three to four months I lived with her she never made me feel at home and / or offered me any shelf space for my clothing. I changed clothes out of my bags in the lounge (mornings and nights). She never discussed this with me other than to tell me there is no space for my stuff.

  • She never offered to wash my clothing during the entire lockdown period, but she would do hers once a week. During a four month period I asked her twice - which she then did. The rest of the time I made alternative arrangements. 

  • I was never thanked for anything I did or purchased. She showed no gratitude whatsoever. Not for food, flowers, gifts, weekends away etc. - I was never thanked for any of my efforts and / or any payments for whatever she / we needed.
  • From very early on in the relationship I was asked when are we getting married. I was flattered the first time she asked, but felt uneasy with frequent reminders (as I was learning the rest of her red flag behaviour). 

  • A few months into the relationship (as I was about to discuss my concerns about her behaviour) I was told the food that I purchased / cooked for us made her fat. This after she selected most of the shopping herself. For this I chased her out of my apartment - of which I immediately aplogised the next day. She never apologised for her inconsiderate comment or behaviour ever.

  • She told me in the beginning of the relationship of a previous boyfriend taking over in her kitchen. Well, after a few months, she bestowed exactly the same fate upon me. This after I tiptoed 'on egg shells' in her kitchen (and never really taken any initiative unless we were cooking together).

  • My text messages to her were regularly misinterpreted and / or treated with cold disdain. It was almost if any written communication / text messages were perceived as negative communication (or she had little interest reading them in full). Many of my messages were left unanswered.

  • I was never trusted with assisting her. She would ask for my assistance with many (financial) projects, but when it came time to assist her she would postpone /or just forget about it. She was very quick to accept any monetary assistance (which I offered through a CFD trading portfolio I created for her). I was never thanked for any profit generated or for the subsequent transfers into her bank account.

  • She told me one morning she felt like a second-class citizen living in her own apartment with me there. A the time I did not say anything, but I was rather disappointed and taken aback by her comment. 

  • I was accused early into the relationship that I do not see / responded to her crying (one evening). The more I apologised (over many weeks) that I did not see or heard it, the more she was of opinion that I was lying. 

  • I was threatened with her chef's knife (with the words - 'I will kill you') after she lost a few games of chess against me one evening. The verbal abuse that followed scared me more. I was shocked to the core - this was the first incident of a serious threat and verbal abuse, but unfortunatly not the last.

  • I was physically assaulted one evening for switching off the television (without her even watching). I was punched, kicked and my shirt ripped from my body. A large chocolate Easter bunny was bashed over my head while I was grabbing my bags to go home. Even then I was still determined to make the relationship work. How naïve of me... 

  • She was verbally abusive on many occasions. Mostly over the telephone and it escalated to weekly episodes towards the end of the relationship. It was so bad at times that I had to switch my phone off.

  • She never apologized for anything. She even sent me a follow-up message to remind me that I deserved to be assaulted be her - referring to the physical assault and Easter bunny incident. No remorse or compassion were ever shown towards me.  

  • I have never met a more obtuse racist in my life. Needless to say that I have never witnessed  bigotry of this nature from anyone in any personal, social or business relationship before. I was concerned with her blatant racist name calling and belittling from very early in the relationship.

  • Her frequent (and vulgar) swearing made me cringe at times. She would swear at her mother (over the phone) when she did not get her way. It did not take her very long to engage with me in exactly the same tone of verbal abuse (and swearing) as she did towards her mother.

  • Asked me to hide (or leave) for three hours when a male friend was about to visit her one weekend. I was very upset about this. Apart from her mother and brothers (and one friend) she did not introduce me to anybody else in her life - not even to one of her employees when we visited her clothing boutique one afternoon. 

  • On occasion I did nor respond to her threatening text messages and she phoned my sister to inform her in no uncertain terms that she wants to kill me. My sister put the phone down after getting verbally abused by her, but phoned her back a while later to engage in a normal discussion.

  • Bad-mouthing of a previous boyfriend over and over again. In the beginning of the relationship I believed her, now I know he must have gone through the same patterns / red flags as me. Today I am probably as bad a statistic as him (and others) in her mind. 

Classic Antisocial Behaviour Characteristics identified from my Red Flag list:
  • Aggressive disposition / Anger  
  • Callousness / Controlling nature / Disrespectful
  • Emotionally unavailable / Excessive swearing
  • False sense of entitlement / Grandiosity
  • Inconsiderate behaviour / Lack of Trust 
  • No Empathy / No Compassion / No Gratitude 
  • No Remorse / Physical assault / Poor Communication
  • Poor Decision-making / Poor Financial Planning
  • Poor time management / Racism / Rage
  • Negative Score Keeping  / Self-centered
  • Selfishness / Verbal abuse / Violence

Despite the waving red flags...
There were many other intermittent, but less obvious red flag incidents. The (silent) warnings signs were omnipresent, like tiny flashing needles, slowly weaving disturbing patterns into an unhealthy codependent relationship tapestry - from the first day I met her until literally the cathartic final week. I still wonder many times why I did not leave earlier. There were many days when I knew I had enough, but still decided to stay. I really believed, against my own better judgement, that we could have worked things out. I wanted this particular relationship to be normal for both of us - with mutual love, trust and respect. Unfortunately, I knew from early on that she would not or could not be that special person to spend the rest of my life with.

Distorted sense of self
She did not see anything wrong from her side of the relationship. She kept on lecturing me / reminding me ever so often about all the so-called things I did wrong - to the extend that I asked her if she kept an Excel spreadsheet for scoring / updating my (bad) behaviour and judgements. An important note here is that her lecturing always occurred when I wanted to discuss the state of the relationship. Towards the end she gave me one opportunity for discussing the relationship without interrupting me - and that was the unfortunate moment I realised that 'the lights were on, but no-one's home'.

Antisocial behaviour concern
One of my major concerns was her relentless lack of empathy, gratitude, guilt and remorse during the relationship. The growing awareness of these chronic behaviour deficiencies manifested to such an extend inside me that I started questioning my own sanity to ever 'live up to her standards and / or perfectionism'. It was only settled within me after I took a step back and rationally assessed her overall behavioural disposition on my own / and with the guidance of one of my professional mental health / life coach friends. My friend's honesty stung at first, but it was exactly the objective re-assurance I needed to hear that I am involved in a (codependent) relationship with someone displaying frequent narcissistic and antisocial behaviour tendencies.

'Justification' for abusive behaviour
Towards the end of the relationship I received a text message to let me know that I deserved to be attacked by her - referring to the insident where she hit me over the head. Probably her own callous 'justification' that she did the right thing. I did not respond. A while later I received a second message inviting me to have lunch with her the following day. I responded more than 24 hours later to let her know that due to her first message lunch would never have been an option. This was perhaps the final straw that broke the camel's back. It was the first time that I enforced a boundary for not accepting an invitation and / or meeting with her. 

Reflecting on the troublesome relationship
In hindsight it is easy to say I could have handled the relationship / her Jekyll and Hyde behaviour towards me differently. I wish I could, but at the time things were moving so quickly and for what it's worth I had some of the best times of my life. Reflecting on the relationship red flags / other disparities I have identified my own inter-personal relationship challenges with regard to my cognitive dissonance and my relationship codependency shortcomings. Working towards a healthier inter-personal and relationship boundary framework is one of my first behavioural goals for creating a more confident approach towards other / future relationships.

© Vernon Chalmers : Mental Health and Motivation (Relationship Red Flags)

My Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse

Exposure, Understanding and Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery  : Mental Health and Motivation

Empaths have to be careful not to internalize others’ feelings, as this can cause them to feel anxious, sad, or even depressed. It can leave the empath feeling drained or exhausted. They must learn to set boundaries so as not to let toxic people drain them dry.” ― Donna G. Bourgeois

Narcissistic Abuse in Relationships

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery : Acceptance and Healing

Vernon Chalmers Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Narrative

"My story of being unceremoniously exposed to (relationship) abuse is profoundly documented here on the Mental Health and Motivation website. I am of firm belief that I was subjected to an intense barrage of both narcissistic and antisocial abuse over a relatively short period of time." ― Vernon Chalmers

Being emotionally, physically and verbally abused by my ex girlfriend has left me with many questions about the gratuitous motivation of someone displaying so many narcissistic and / or antisocial behavioural traits. Red Flags I Ignored

In the aftermath of the relationship I struggled to come to terms with the grandiose disdain shown for any contributions of compassion and goodwill I effortlessly offered during the relationship. I questioned my own empathetic vulnerabilities, my own identity and core values that could possibly have 'justified' the abuse against me. It took almost two years of soul searching, research and the passing of significant time for creating an inner peace (frame of reference) for completing the recovery puzzle.

Achievements / Lessons from an Abusive Relationship 

With no set objective in recovery time I started journaling some of the most unpleasant experiences and recurring memories in what I call my Portfolio of Choice: knowledge, time, writing and the reading of my own state of mind (as a conscientious choice) made me less vulnerable in not only my understanding of abusive behaviour, its origin and possible longer-term consequences on my emotional well-being, but also my own subsequent codependent behaviour dynamics. Therapeutic Journaling 

With a more informed understanding of narcissistic and antisocial abuse I have accepted the fact that the trauma could linger for a bit longer (as an undercurrent of thought). Its only until recently that I have started referring to my abuse as 'narcissistic' abuse. Naively so, but this was primarily due to my own intermittent cognitive dissonance still shielding my perpetrator from her emotional dysregulation and oblivious narcissistic pathology rather than acknowledging the unfolding of a fatally flawed persona.

Nevertheless, I have shamelessly embraced my extended recovery narrative as therapeutic guidance for providing me with the necessary acceptance and healing for coming to terms with an abusive relationship.

© Vernon Chalmers : Mental Health and Motivation (Narcissistic Abuse)

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