01 March 2022

Restoring a Sense of Calm (after an Abusive Relationship)

Restoring a Sense of Calm (after an Abusive Relationship)
The more tranquil a man becomes, the greater is his success, his influence, his power for good. Calmness of mind is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom.”
— James Allen

Acceptance for Calmness and Peace of Mind

It took me 18 months to fully comprehend and finally accept that this period in my life was a steep and important learning curve in gaining a better understanding of the destructive behaviour against me. One of the biggest achievements was the much needed insight into my own emotional vulnerability in dealing with (any) abusive behaviour against me and how it should be handled in future.

Learning more about the broad spectrum of inappropriate and antisocial behaviour that I was subjected to was necessary for my own emotional introspection and mental wellness recovery. During this time I also analysed my own actions, reactions and codependent behaviour of being in a dysfunctional relationship with someone committing abusive behaviour against my goodwill and emphatic values.

Coming to terms with abusive behaviour
I have regained a sense of calm and a comprehensive understanding of the 'cause and effect' of the abusive behavior towards me. The online journaling here on the Mental Health and Motivation website generated an in-depth internalisation and objective rationalisation of the traumatic and disappointing events during and after the relationship. I also used this period to reflect on my own codependency and cognitive dissonance challenges before I was finally ready to let go.

Moving forward after working through this dramatic period is one of the most gratifying feelings I have had in a long time. I believe the fulcrum of my expectations of sense of self and others are being restored to provide a more balanced lifestyle on my own and / or in the company of others.

The physical exposure (and the extensive research) of abuse, domestic violence and associated trauma that I was subjected to is also a poignant reminder of how many people across the world are suffering the same fate. Sharing my experiences and the resources that guided me along the way provides me with a sense of purpose and motivation to be of assistance to anyone else finding themselves tangled in this haunting web of abuse, domestic violence and post-relationship breakup trauma challenges.

Portfolio of Choice
I have named the knowledge that I have gained, my available time and the opportunity to journal about the relationship experiences my Portfolio of Choice. My daily writing (and the development of this website) became my therapeutic journaling. I'm grateful for the opportunity and time to write and share my personal experiences.

© Vernon Chalmers : Mental Health and Motivation

Acceptance, Healing and Rebuilding after Grief and Loss

Acceptance, Healing and Rebuilding after Grief and Loss
A quote by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler that had a significant impact on my understanding and processing of grief and loss during the last 18 months.

A Perspective on Closure 

I use many quotes on my Mental Health and Motivation website, all of them are special, but this quote gave me real perspective and closure.

The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” — Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler

I respect the fact that different people will interpret the same quote differently, for different losses. I have read the Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler quote 6 months after publishing my “A Year After Leaving an Abusive and Toxic Relationship' and in total 18 months after I walked away from what I considered (at the time) of what would of been the rest of my life.

I have integrated their quote as an update / conclusion 6 months after my original article. The timing for a complete understanding of their words came absolutely at the right time.

Hopefully some of you may also find comfort in their words should there be such need.

Herewith my conclusion of the Achievements / Lessons from an Abusive Relationship article:

Acceptance, healing and rebuilding
What made the acceptance so much more sustainable was the realisation that the grief of losing someone special does not have to go away. What did go away eventually was my fear of letting go. This quote by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler provided me with the necessary perspective and solace for moving on - “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”

Having accepted the undercurrent ebb and flow presence of my grief I find myself thinking less and less of this specific grief (and person). The ever-consuming dark thoughts of grief and loss made way for more coherent thinking and mindful living of being in the moment - focussing on the daily awareness of here and now... It took me more than 18 months of introspection, reflection and soul searching to finally arrive at the other side of this profound and self-enriching journey.

© Vernon Chalmers : Mental Health and Motivation



I Am Already Enough - Fearless Soul Music Video


Lyrics: I Am Already Enough

"I was searching
I was looking
For meaning
I was wandering
Desperately trying
Only to see
I have nothing missing

Who said, who said
I have to find who I am?
Who said, who said
That I am lost to begin with?

I am already enough
Everything I need is within me
Each morning when I wake up
I'm grateful for the beauty around me
Life is a gift, I wanna enjoy it
Always proving my worth only destroys it
I am already enough
Everything I need is within me

My motivation can't be validation
I'd always be starving
For more affection
The wrong attention
Only to feel like I am nothing

Who said, who said
I have to find who I am?
Who said, who said
That I am lost to begin with?

I am already enough
Everything I need is within me
Each morning when I wake up
I'm grateful for the beauty around me
Life is a gift, I wanna enjoy it
Always proving my worth only destroys it
I am already enough
Everything I need is within me

I have nothing to find and everything to feel
Only I can define what is meaningful to me
Even when I am feeling so breakable
I tell myself to believe I am valuable

I am already enough
Everything I need is within me
Each morning when I wake up
I'm grateful for the beauty around me
Life is a gift, I wanna enjoy it
Always proving my worth only destroys it
I am already enough
Everything I need is within me

I am already enough
Everything I need is within me
Each morning when I wake up
I'm grateful for the beauty around me
Life is a gift, I wanna enjoy it
Always proving my worth only destroys it
I am already enough
Everything I need is within m
e"

Artist: Fearless Soul

Featured artist: Rachael Schroeder


Official Website: http://www.iamfearlesssoul.com

The No-Contact Rule After a Relationship Breakup

The No Contact Rule - Mental Health and Motivation
Letting go has never been easy, but holding on can be as difficult. Yet strength is measured not by holding on, but by letting go.” – Len Santos

Benefits of No Contact

What is the No-Contact Rule?

Going No Contact : After a Relationship Breakup 

Going No Contact : Fast-Tracking Detachment

Does No Contact Work? Signs The No Contact Rule Is Working Article

How to Master the 'No-Contact Rule' — the Ultimate Breakup Tool Article

Powerful Benefits of the No-Contact Rule After a Breakup Article

The No-Contact Rule Explained Article

The No-Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide) Article

The “No-Contact” Rule Is the *Only* Way to Get Over a Breakup Article

Mistakes to Avoid when going No Contact with a Narcissist Article

Reasons Why the No-Contact Rule Always Works Article

The No-Contact Rule: The Most Effective Way To Move On Article

When I Go No Contact, It’s Final Article

No Contact Book Mentions

The No Contact Rule
Natalie Lue

Mental Health Support Groups and Discussion Forums

Mental Health SupporMental Health Support Groups and Discussion Forums
Take your time healing, as long as you want. Nobody else knows what you’ve been through. How could they know how long it will take to heal you?” — Abertoli

Mental Health Support Groups : Discussion Forums for Family Members, Partners and Friends

Online Support and Discussion Forums

Adult ADHD Support Groups in the UK UKAAN

Alcoholics Anonymous Find A A Near You

Anxiety Support Group SG Support Groups

Anxiety Support Groups Healthline

Anxiety Support Groups Verywell Mind

BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) Humans Support Group The MindClan

Borderline Personality Disorder Discussion Forum BPD Family 

Borderline Personality Disorder Forum Mental Health Forum

Bipolar Personality Disorder Support Groups BP Magazine Support

Child Abuse and Mistreatment Alice Miller Website

Domestic Violence Online Support Victim Connect

Domestic Violence Support on Facebook Stop Abuse for Everyone


How Online Support Groups Can Help People with Mental Health Issues Good Therapy

How To Help A Loved One With Borderline Personality Disorder SADAG

Help for Adult Victims Of Child Abuse Forum HAVOCA

Helpful Online Bipolar Disorder Support Groups Very Well Mind

List of ADHD Organizations That Can Provide Assistance / Resources for ADHD WebMD

Mental Health Support Groups Support Forums

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Runboard

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups Website

Narcissistic Abuse Support Group Facebook

Narcissistic Abuse Support Group London MeetUp

Narcissistic Abuse Support Group South Africa MeetUp

Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free! Beyond Blue

Narcissist Abuse Support Support Website

Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Recovery PTSD Trauma Recovery

Narcissistic Family Support Group N.F.S.G on Facebook

Online Bipolar Disorder Support Groups Psych Central

Online Support Groups for Depression Healthline

Online Support Groups Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance

Online Support Group for Narcissism Survivors Queenbeeing

Resources for Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse Enough Abuse Campaign

PTSD / CPTSD Peer Support Community My PTSD Forum

PTSD Support Groups South Africa SADAG

Post-Traumatic Support Disorder Support (PTSD) Group Daily Strength 

Schizophrenia Support Groups Medical News Today

Specialized Support Group Resources Mental Health America

Support Groups For Depression Medical News Today

Support Groups: Make Connections, Get Help Mayo Clinic

Support for Family / Friends with Mental Health Conditions Beyond Blue

The South African Depression and Anxiety Group SADAG

Victims of Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault and Child Sexual Abuse South Africa TEARS

Victims of Narcissistic Personality Disorder Support Group

Virtual Support Groups for Adults with ADHD CHADD

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What is an Empath?

What is an Empath?
The Empath is often said to have such a great degree of empathy that they can literally feel what others feel, and thus intuitively know many of the yearnings, sensitivities, tastes and even thought patterns of the people they're around.”
― Aletheia Luna

Never underestimate the empowered empath. Our kindness and compassion is too often mistaken for weakness or naivety, while we are in fact highly calibrated human lie detectors...and fearless warriors for truth and justice.”― Anthon St. Maarten

Traits of an Empath

Habits of an Empath

Signs of being an Empath

Empath Article Links

Empaths and Anxiety: What’s the Connection? Article

Empaths And Mental Health: The Boundless Spirit Article

Habits of Highly Empathic People Article

How to Cope With Being an Empath and Navigating an Emotional World Article

If You Have These 30 Traits, Consider Yourself An Empath Article

Strategies for Empaths to Heal Trauma & PTSD Article

The Dark Side Of Being An Empath Article

What Does it Mean to Be an Empath? Article

What Is an Empath and Can You Become One? Article

What Is An Empath? Signs and Traits Article

Empath Book Mentions

Empathic Attunement: The ’Technique’ of Psychoanalytic Self Psychology
Crayton E. Rowe Jr. & David S. Mac Isaac

The Empath Guidebook
Gary R. Leigh

Empath Test: Signs that You are An Empath - Video

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