How I started Share Trading on the JSE...

How I started Share Trading on the JSE... Awareness and Journey

"Never stop learning, it is a gift that will always reward you..." - Vernon Chalmers

Herewith an extract of the learning / motivation that started a 20-year personal interest in share and derivatives trading on the Johannesburg Stock Exchange (JSE), South Africa:

“I have been investing in shares and trading derivatives for more than 20 years. In the beginning I invested through the traditional paper-based stockbroker system (up to the early 2000's) and after the introduction of online share trading I started trading via an online JSE-accredited and direct-linked trading platform.

It all started in the beginning of a semester lecturing my first Economics class during the mid-1990's when a student asked me to explain a particular 'financial theory of stock market investment decision-making and risk management' in more practical terms. That same afternoon I phoned a local stockbroker and placed an order for my first share trading transaction. For the rest of the year we analysed and tracked the company's share performance on the JSE.

It was a thorough hands-on learning experience with and through my students. I nostalgically retained the shares for many years as I curated and developed my first share portfolio.“ (Vernon Chalmers)

From Analytical Education to Creative Training’ – as published on my Mental Health and Existential Motivation website.

Image: Copyright-free 'Technical Analysis' display (Pixabay)

Article Source: Mental Health and Motivation From Analytical Education to Creative Training

Financial Fear and Greed Impact on Mental Health

In stock market investment and trading via Technical Analysis (TA) we [also] apply the guidance of the ‘Fear and Greed Index’ to assist in determining the ‘absolute - probable correct time’ to buy or sell a specific company's shares / derivatives. This is a psychological / financial human behaviour indicator in deciding when a share is overbought or oversold (collectively).

Buying an oversold share / or selling an overbought share (in any transaction) could at times be challenging decisions and TA is only guidance (of various previous movements / transactions) to assist the trained and or experienced investor / trader.

Some of these decisions are at times executed too early, too late or not at all - which could lead to unexpected (leveraged) financial loss - especially for the inexperienced investor / trader.
Regular losses can add to high-functioning anxiety (and / or prolonged stress) should the share / derivate maintain its current position (against the original decision taken) - and not change as indicated or 'forecasted' during TA. Especially if it is a frequent occurrence (with various companies) / or when the market keeps on moving in the opposite direction for unexpected periods. Especially for the inexperienced shorter-term derivatives trader.

For minimising this risk we also use Fundamental Analysis (FA) where overall macro market, specific corporate / industry metrics and other strategic financial management indicators of a company are evaluated in support of TA. FA information is freely available from any stock exchange listed company's website under Investment Relations (as prerequisite of a listed public company on any stock exchange i.e. JSE), various required publicly available corporate media releases and public financial analyst media reporting.

Fear leads to Greed / or Greed leads to Fear, hence a major reason or decision why a particular share is bought or sold - collectively wrt the TA at a specific time. The (perpetual) outcome of the collective market decision-making is dynamically replicated in real-time analytics.

This objective / quantitative data is an effective analytical indicator for evaluating the collective psychological sentiment of buyers / sellers (of a particular share / derivatives as it is bought / sold in real-time).

This efficient-market hypothesis (EMH) interpretation is based on the collective action (and share price) - note: there could be other underlying reasons why particular individuals / institutions are buying or selling a specific company's shares / derivatives at that particular time. The overall collective buying / selling statistics could be in the moment, day, week, month(s) or year(s) - depending on the applied investment / trading strategy at the time.

Considering application of EMH theory (with all available corporate / financial information factored in) the dynamic market / price statistics depicts the 'fear and greed' mind-set / sentiment of the median (average) of the market collective (at a particular day / time) who is buying or selling a particular company’s shares.

Proper TA (and FA) due diligence not only reduces the financial risk (in providing more up-to-date information) in investment / trading (derivatives) decision-making, but also offers insight(s) into a holistic approach towards the psychological (personal and or institutional buyers / sellers) financial decisions at a specific time. (Vernon Chalmers for the Mental Health and Motivation website)

© Vernon Chalmers : Mental Health and Motivation (JSE Investment and Trading)

Vernon Chalmers JSE / Trading Update

"Vernon Chalmers provides a unique synthesis of psychology and financial decision-making, especially within the context of the Johannesburg Stock Exchange (JSE). His background in education, systems thinking, and behavioral observation equips him to view trading not merely as a numbers game, but as a psychological journey. Through his emphasis on emotional regulation, cognitive awareness, and continuous learning, Chalmers exemplifies how psychological mastery can enhance trading performance.

In a market driven by uncertainty, the trader’s most powerful tools may not be found in charts or data feeds, but in their own mind. As Chalmers’ insights suggest, success on the JSE - or any financial exchange - requires not just analytical skill, but a disciplined and emotionally intelligent mindset." (Source: ChatGPT 2025)

More: Fear and Greed in Financial Markets

Read More: Financial Fear and Greed Impact on Mental Health

The Requirements for Existential Art

Existential Art is a Deeply Human Endeavor. It arises from the Confrontation with Meaninglessness

“You are worthy, regardless of the outcome. You will keep making your work, regardless of the outcome. You will keep sharing your work, regardless of the outcome. You were born to create, regardless of the outcome. You will never lose trust in the creative process, even if you don’t understand the outcome.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

Abstract

"Existential art embodies the core principles of existential philosophy by addressing themes of freedom, authenticity, alienation, absurdity, and the human confrontation with mortality. It is not confined by conventional aesthetics or market trends, but rather challenges both the artist and the audience to engage deeply with the subjective experience of existence. This paper outlines the foundational requirements of existential art, drawing from key existential thinkers such as Sartre, Camus, Kierkegaard, Nietzsche, Heidegger, and de Beauvoir. Through a comprehensive exploration of existential themes, historical context, artistic techniques, and contemporary applications, this paper provides a 5000-word investigation into what constitutes existential art and how artists can authentically embody its principles.

1. Introduction

Existentialism is a philosophical movement that emphasizes individual freedom, choice, and responsibility in a universe devoid of inherent meaning. When applied to artistic creation, existentialism transforms the artwork from a decorative or narrative object into a vehicle for existential reflection and revelation. Existential art reflects the raw, often uncomfortable truths of the human condition. It does not provide clear answers but instead provokes questions—about identity, mortality, purpose, and the nature of being. This essay aims to establish a comprehensive framework of the requirements for existential art, combining philosophical theory with artistic praxis.

2. Philosophical Foundations of Existential Art

2.1 Existence Precedes Essence

Jean-Paul Sartre (1943/2007) famously declared that "existence precedes essence," meaning that humans first exist and then define themselves through actions. For existential art, this implies that art is not about capturing a fixed reality but rather expressing the ongoing process of becoming. The artist must create from a place of freedom and responsibility, without relying on external validation or predefined meanings.

2.2 The Absurd

Albert Camus (1942/1991) introduced the concept of the absurd—the conflict between humans’ desire for order and the chaotic, indifferent universe. Existential art often reflects this tension through ambiguity, fragmentation, and surreal or contradictory elements. Absurdity becomes both a thematic focus and a structural feature of existential art.

2.3 Authenticity and Bad Faith

According to Sartre and de Beauvoir, authenticity involves recognizing one’s freedom and acting in accordance with it. In contrast, "bad faith" refers to self-deception and conformity. Existential art must be authentic in both content and form. It should emerge from the artist’s sincere confrontation with their existence and avoid pandering to societal expectations or artistic trends.

2.4 Being-Toward-Death

Heidegger (1927/1962) emphasized the importance of mortality in shaping authentic existence. His concept of "being-toward-death" refers to the individual’s awareness of their finitude. Existential art often reflects this awareness through symbols of decay, temporality, and the void. Death is not merely a theme but an ever-present horizon that frames human experience.

3. Thematic Requirements

3.1 Mortality and Transience

Existential art frequently explores the impermanence of life. It may depict physical decay, emotional loss, or metaphysical dread. Vanitas paintings from the 17th century, while not strictly existential, align with this theme by emphasizing the fleeting nature of worldly pleasures.

3.2 Alienation and Isolation

Modern existential art captures the estrangement of individuals from society, nature, or themselves. Kafka’s literary works and Edward Hopper’s paintings are emblematic examples. Alienation is not simply emotional detachment—it represents a fundamental disconnect from meaning and belonging.

3.3 Freedom and Responsibility

Existential freedom is not liberating in a simplistic sense—it is a heavy burden. With freedom comes the responsibility to create one’s identity and values. Existential art reflects this by portraying decision, consequence, and moral ambiguity.

3.4 Absurdity and Meaninglessness

Existential art thrives in the absurd. Whether through nonsensical narratives, abstract visuals, or surreal juxtapositions, the work reflects the incoherence of life. Artists like Beckett and Magritte created works that resist traditional logic, pushing audiences to confront the absurd directly.

3.5 Anxiety and Dread

Existential angst is not mere anxiety—it is the deep, ontological unease that arises when one faces the freedom and contingency of their existence. This dread appears in expressionist works, haunting soundscapes, and minimalist performances.

4. Aesthetic and Stylistic Requirements

4.1 Rejection of Traditional Beauty

Existential art does not aim to please. It may be ugly, unsettling, or chaotic. This rejection of aesthetic norms serves to challenge the viewer’s assumptions and foster genuine existential reflection.

4.2 Ambiguity and Open Interpretation

Existential art is intentionally ambiguous. It does not offer easy answers or clear messages. The viewer must engage with the work actively, co-constructing meaning—or accepting its absence.

4.3 Symbolism and Metaphor

While not exclusive to existential art, symbolism plays a key role in expressing abstract existential concerns. Symbols of time, mirrors, doors, labyrinths, and shadows often populate existential artworks.

4.4 Fragmentation and Discontinuity

Many existential works avoid linear structure. Whether in literature, film, or visual art, fragmentation reflects the disjointed nature of existence. This structural choice invites reflection on the incoherence of human experience.

5. Artistic Media and Techniques

5.1 Painting and Drawing

Expressionism and abstraction are often employed to convey emotional depth and inner turmoil. Artists like Egon Schiele, Francis Bacon, and Jean Dubuffet distorted the human form to emphasize existential suffering.

5.2 Photography

Existential photography captures solitude, silence, and time. Photographers like Francesca Woodman and Vernon Chalmers use space, shadow, and minimalism to evoke existential themes.

Modern Existential Photographers >>

5.3 Performance and Installation Art

Performance artists such as Marina Abramović use the body as a medium to explore endurance, vulnerability, and presence. Installations that require viewer interaction or immersion disrupt passive viewing and emphasize existential choice.

5.4 Literature and Cinema

Writers like Sartre, Camus, and Beckett, and filmmakers like Bergman and Tarkovsky, have embedded existential themes in their narratives and cinematography. The use of silence, slow pacing, and unresolved endings are hallmarks of existential cinema.

6. Psychological and Emotional Dimensions

6.1 Vulnerability and Sincerity

Existential art demands that the artist be vulnerable. The work should arise from sincere emotional and intellectual engagement with existence. This sincerity connects with audiences on a profound level.

6.2 Tension and Discomfort

Existential art often induces discomfort. It may challenge ethical assumptions, evoke despair, or confront taboos. This tension is essential—it breaks through complacency and incites reflection.

6.3 Hope and Defiance

Though existentialism is often associated with nihilism, it can also inspire hope. Camus’ concept of "revolt" involves affirming life in the face of absurdity. Existential art can express a quiet defiance, a decision to create and endure despite meaninglessness.

7. Historical and Cultural Contexts

7.1 Post-War Europe

After World War II, existentialism gained prominence as Europe grappled with the horrors of war, genocide, and totalitarianism. Artists used existential themes to express trauma and search for meaning in devastation.

7.2 The 20th-Century Avant-Garde

Movements such as Dada, Surrealism, and Abstract Expressionism challenged rationalism and traditional forms. While not always explicitly existential, these movements created space for existential themes to emerge.

7.3 Contemporary Art

Today, existential art continues in new media. Digital artists, VR creators, and AI-assisted artworks explore issues of identity, reality, and connection in an increasingly fragmented world.

8. Ethical and Ontological Commitments

8.1 Art as Revelation

Heidegger viewed art as a way to disclose truth. Existential art is not just expression—it is revelation. It reveals the tension, ambiguity, and beauty of being.

8.2 Ethical Authenticity

The artist must act ethically by resisting commodification and superficiality. This does not mean ignoring audience reception but refusing to compromise existential integrity for popularity.

9. The Audience's Role

9.1 Co-Creation

The viewer is not passive. Existential art requires interpretation, emotional engagement, and self-reflection. The meaning is co-created through this interaction.

9.2 Confrontation

Audience members may feel disturbed, confused, or even offended. This confrontation is intentional. It mirrors the existential confrontation with the absurd.

10. Conclusion

Existential art is a deeply human endeavor. It arises from the confrontation with meaninglessness, mortality, and freedom. It does not entertain but provokes. It does not comfort but challenges. Through its commitment to authenticity, ambiguity, and emotional depth, existential art remains one of the most honest and necessary forms of human expression." (Source: ChatGPT 2025)

References

Camus, A. (1991). The myth of Sisyphus (J. O'Brien, Trans.). Vintage. (Original work published 1942)

Heidegger, M. (1962). Being and time (J. Macquarrie & E. Robinson, Trans.). Harper & Row. (Original work published 1927)

Kierkegaard, S. (1980). The concept of anxiety (R. Thomte, Trans.). Princeton University Press. (Original work published 1844)

Nietzsche, F. (1967). The birth of tragedy (W. Kaufmann, Trans.). Vintage.

Sartre, J.-P. (2007). Being and nothingness (H. E. Barnes, Trans.). Routledge. (Original work published 1943)

de Beauvoir, S. (1976). The ethics of ambiguity (B. Frechtman, Trans.). Citadel Press.

Abramović, M. (2010). The artist is present. Museum of Modern Art.

Bacon, F. (1953). Study after Velazquez's Portrait of Pope Innocent X. Des Moines Art Center.

Woodman, F. (2006). Francesca Woodman. Phaidon Press.

Chalmers, V. (2024). Existential Photography Reflections.

Report Compiler: ChatGPT 2025

Image: ChatGPT 2025

Healing Process After an Abusive Relationship

Emotional Healing and Acceptance After an Abusive Relationship

“When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will seem unfair but rise above it, trusting that others will eventually see the truth, just as you did.” — Jill Blakeway

Healing Process After an Abusive Relationship : Prepared / Experienced by Vernon Chalmers

This is a personal healing process which I 'developed' after enduring a particular difficult two-year (narcissistic abusive) period of my life. It will most probably work differently for different people (and situations). I have learned a lot during this unfortunate relationship situation and its aftermath.

Up to this day I am still learning, but have accepted the fact that this type of healing is a challenging process - as it to so many people all over the world. I am spending less and less time thinking / talking about this healing process, but here are the key healing stages of my observations, learning, self-enrichment, acceptance and recovery:

• Recognising Abusive Behaviour
• Decision to Leave
• Going No Contact
• Research and Self-Assessment
• Letting Go...
• Achievements after Leaving
• Lessons Learned
• Acceptance and Rebuilding
• Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse
• Perspective(s) on Self-Healing Progress
• Disclaimer / Reference

Source / Reference: Relationship Abusive Recovery Article Index


© Vernon Chalmers : Mental Health and Existential Motivation (Abusive Relationship Healing)

Healing Process After an Abusive Relationship

"The healing process after an abusive relationship can be a challenging and deeply personal journey. It's important to remember that everyone's healing process is unique, and there is no fixed timeline for recovery. However, here are some general steps that can be helpful for healing:

1. Acknowledge the abuse: Recognize and accept that the relationship was abusive. It's common for survivors to minimize or rationalize the abuse, but acknowledging it is a crucial first step towards healing.

2. Seek support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or support groups who can provide emotional support and validation. Consider joining a support group specifically for survivors of abuse, where you can connect with others who have had similar experiences.

3. Ensure safety: If you are still in immediate danger, prioritize your safety by seeking help from a domestic violence hotline, a shelter, or the authorities. Create a safety plan that includes steps to protect yourself and any children involved.

4. Establish boundaries: Reclaim your personal boundaries and learn to say no to situations or people that make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Setting clear boundaries is essential for rebuilding your sense of self and regaining control over your life.

5. Seek professional help: Consider working with a therapist or counselor experienced in trauma and abuse. They can provide guidance, support, and help you navigate through the complex emotions and challenges associated with healing from an abusive relationship.

6. Practice self-care: Prioritize self-care activities that promote physical, emotional, and mental well-being. This can include engaging in activities you enjoy, exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, practicing relaxation techniques, and nourishing your body with healthy food.

7. Process your emotions: Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship and process the emotions that arise. It's normal to experience a range of emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, and confusion. Journaling, expressing yourself through art, or talking with a therapist can be helpful in processing these emotions.

8. Challenge negative beliefs: Abusive relationships often lead to distorted self-perception and negative beliefs about oneself. Challenge these beliefs by focusing on your strengths, celebrating your accomplishments, and engaging in positive self-talk.

9. Rediscover your identity: Reconnect with activities, hobbies, and interests that bring you joy and a sense of fulfillment. Explore new passions, set goals for yourself, and gradually rebuild your life based on your own desires and aspirations.

10. Practice forgiveness and self-compassion: Forgiveness is a personal choice and may not be necessary for healing. However, practicing self-compassion is crucial. Be kind to yourself, practice self-forgiveness for any perceived mistakes or shortcomings, and remind yourself that you deserve love, respect, and happiness.

Remember, healing is a gradual process, and it's important to be patient and gentle with yourself. It's okay to seek help when needed and to take the time you need to heal and rebuild your life after an abusive relationship." (Source: ChatGPT 2023)

Journey of Loss Mental Health and Existential Motivation

Recovery from My Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse

Vernon Chalmers Mental Health Quotes

About and Disclaimer

Major Lessons Learned from an Abusive Relationship

Challenging Healing Lessons from an Abusive and Narcissistic Relationship

"Remove yourself from people who treat you like your time doesn’t matter, like your feelings are worthless, or like your soul is replaceable" — s.mcnutt

“The abusive partner continually denies any responsibility for problems.” ― Beverly Engel

25 August 2025 marked my fith anniversary after leaving an abusive, violent and overall toxic relationship. It was an extraordinary emotionally charged and challenging period of my life, especially the first couple of months. I had to come to terms with getting out of the FOG (Fear | Obligation | Guilt) for letting go and walking away from someone that I thought (at the time) I have fallen in love with.

Recognizing Abusive Behaviour
I have written extensively here on my Mental Health and Motivation website about some of my now ex girlfriend's unacceptable behaviour that I was subjected to during the relationship. I will therefore not repeat the well-documented encounters of her abusive behaviour against me, her chronic lack of gratitude, the many overt and covert relationship red flags, my paradoxical cognitive dissonance and / or my interpretation of love, loss and grief.

25 August was my late mother's birthday. Celebrating this special day with her was a special highlight of our yearly calendar while she was alive. It is therefore ironic that 25 August is now also associated with reminiscing the most challenging relationship of my life. It was not in any way scripted like this, but rather the unfortunate unfolding of events after some unjustified abusive behaviour towards me. I don't mind sharing this day between one of the best and the most disappointing relationships of my life - it places my mother's sincere character and sense of gratitude into such a healthy perspective (and positive reinforcement of how I should conduct myself in the presence of all other).

Decision to Leave an Abusive Relationship
Thee years ago I reluctantly, but sensibly removed myself from a toxic relationship with an attractive, intelligent and charming woman (albeit with an unashamed false sense of entitlement and the definite queen of grandiosity at times). Her initial impeccable character and intellect, at least in my presence, made way for a staggering flow of abusive behaviour against me. After a few months of various unprovoked physical and verbal attacks I faced the daunting realization of being close to the edge of clinical exhaustion as a result of a perpetual trauma bond with an emotionally unstable partner.

Going No Contact
I isolated myself for a few weeks in going No Contact for essentially reflecting on her poor time management, limited empathy, abusive behaviour, lack of remorse etc. that unfortunatly created an overwhelmingly toxic relationship environment. I realized that I cannot continue to ignore the increasing red flags any longer. After a rather dramatic detachment (final breakup) I was consumed with disappointment and grief that inevitably developed into months of severe post-relationship trauma. The objective of staying No Contact (even after the breakup) is still 100% maintained.

Abuse and Domestic Violence: 'Result for Playing Chess'

Behavioral Research and Self-Assessment
I spent more than a year in not only researching the psychological 'cause and effect' of antisocial (relationship) behaviour and the traumatic consequences, but also assessing (and understanding) my own codependent behaviour vulnerabilities for staying in an abusive relationship.

Letting Go... Letting go of this transactional and abusive relationship was not an achievement as such, but rather the acceptance of ending a dramatic trauma bond that had the toxic behaviour dynamics to cause severe (and possibly long-term) negative consequences. I was unfortunatly enmeshed in an unhealthy relationship with someone who was emotionally stunted in the ability to trust, love and / or respect others as part of the reciprocal values required for an emotionally stable relationship.

Achievements after Leaving an Abusive Relationship

• Apart from gaining an extensive body of additional psychological reference knowledge I have had many opportunities for discussing the abusive relationship with family members, friends and professional contacts. I did not (at any stage) consider professional counselling, but rather through no further contact, self-determination, honest reflection and informal psychodynamic talk therapy (with my professional contacts) pursued improved control over my own cognitive dissonance, emotional conditioning and relevant behaviour modification

• During the relationship (and extended aftermath) I lost some of my creativity, daily motivation and sense of self. My own photography was severely compromised for focusing almost exclusively on someone else's omnipresent needs and wants. It took me months for regaining my normal confident self, my interest in my own photography, photography training and the daily management of my CFD trading portfolios.

• Spending less time reading and researching about the 'cause and effect' of antisocial behaviour / personality disorders. I spend more time lately with my own photography and the daily reading / researching about trading and investment opportunities / threats.

• The ability to once again engage with a variety of people with trust, effective communication and the setting of assertive personal boundaries (when and where required). It has happened a few times recently where I had to set and enforce personal boundaries for protecting my privacy and personal space.

• I have always considered empathy and gratitude as important personal / relationship qualities - it's only now that I truly understand the impact and consequences when these emotional values are vaguely selective or completely absent from someone's Emotional Intelligence repertoire. The words 'thank you' became important words in my vocabulary over the last few years.

• Spending relatively long periods in solitude without anxiety (and worrying) about someone else's feelings, actions and reactions. Many hours were consumed with soul searching / self analysis to eventually emerge with a renewed sense of self-awareness, continuous self-enrichment and an ever-increasing emotional intelligence.

Lessons Learned from an Abusive and Narcissistic Relationship

• I cannot take responsibility for someone else's (antisocial) behaviour, I did not cause her inherent propensity towards aggressive tendencies and I do not have to be in the 'firing line' of any abusive and antisocial behaviour against me. I can only control my own behaviour towards other people and that I should be more mindful in terms of my own judgement, decision-making and social behaviour towards the actions and reactions of other people (in an intimate relationship and / or otherwise).

• That I should be more vigilant towards pathological behaviour patterns and obvious and / or covert (silent) red flags during any stage of an intimate relationship. I've read, researched and listened to an extensive range of world-class intimate relationship abuse recovery and psychology resources. Not only for the identification / understanding of psychopathy and related personality disorder traits, but also for assisting me with reference to responsible (re)actions towards any antisocial behaviour.

• That there are indeed people who cannot say 'thank you' - with a preconditioned disregard for not expressing any gratitude whatsoever. It was the first time in my life that I have experienced such a profound sense of self-entitlement (for any received goodwill) and / or deliberate rejection of thankfulness. It took me a while to understand and except that I should not just assume someone will say 'thank you'.

• To address and improve my own relationship codependency behaviour in terms of setting healthy boundaries by not accepting any destructive behaviour tendencies towards me, not trying to please other people and not to feel / be responsible as a 'caregiver' when a more mature relationship disposition is required.

• That processing, letting go and healing from an abusive / toxic relationship is an emotionally challenging detachment, especially without (proper) closure. It required a conscientious effort of personal introspection, own behaviour modification, resilience, forgiveness and acceptance to move beyond the realms of just accepting someone else's (false) sense of entitlement, lack of respect and incessant aggressive behaviour tendencies.

• Recovery and healing time from an abusive relationship is a different journey for anyone going through the challenge(s) of detaching from an unfortunate trauma bond. Its easy (in hindsight) to say it took me a year. A year ago I had no idea how long it would take - some days It felt it would never happen.

Throughout the past four years I have had invaluable private conversations with many people about the toxic dynamics of this abusive relationship and the eroding effect on my emotional wellbeing. I was brutally honest in describing the essence of every (physical) attack against me, the utter disrespect for my integrity and the grandiose disdain for everything that I tirelessly offered during the relationship.

Acceptance / Rebuilding after an Abusive and Narcissistic Relationship
What made the acceptance so much more sustainable was the realization that the grief of losing someone special does not have to go away. What did go away eventually was my fear of letting go. This quote by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler provided me with the necessary perspective and solace for moving on - “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”

Having accepted the undercurrent ebb and flow presence of my grief (and trauma from the abuse) I find myself thinking less and less of this specific grief / trauma (and person). The ever-consuming dark thoughts of grief, loss and associated trauma made way for more coherent thinking and mindful living of being in the moment - focusing on the daily awareness of here and now... It took me more than 18 months of introspection, reflection and soul searching to finally arrive at the other side of this emotionally challenged, but self-enriching journey.

Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse
In the aftermath of the relationship I struggled to come to terms with the grandiose disdain shown for any contributions of compassion and goodwill I effortlessly offered during the relationship. I questioned my empathetic vulnerabilities, my own identity and core values that could possibly have 'justified' the abuse against me. It took more than a year of soul searching, research and the passing of significant time for creating the inner peace to complete the recovery puzzle. Read more >>

The Psychological Journey of Abuse Recovery

Mental Health Healing Process Disclaimer / Reference
This healing process was entirely structured around my own experience(s) in developing a coping and recovery strategy for dealing with the aftermath / trauma from an abusive relationship. The healing process I followed is not in any way intended as a consequential recommendation (or guidance) for others to follow and expect similar results (in the same time frame). It should be viewed as a source of information / frame of reference as one specific attempt to come to terms with and heal from an unhealthy relationship.

© Vernon Chalmers : Mental Health and Existential Motivation (Healing from Trauma / Narcissistic Abuse)

Healing Process After an Abusive Relationship

From Therapeutic Journaling to Online Publishing

Mental Health Quotes by Vernon Chalmers

Playing Chess and Anger

About and Disclaimer

Why Partners engage in Abusive Relationships?

Abusive relationships are complex and often rooted in a mix of psychological, social, and emotional factors. People may engage in such dynamics for reasons like:

• Learned behavior: Some individuals grow up witnessing or experiencing abuse, which can normalize such patterns in their minds.

• Power and control: Abusers often seek to dominate their partners, using manipulation, fear, or violence to maintain control.

• Low self-esteem: Both abusers and victims may struggle with self-worth, leading to unhealthy dynamics.

• Cultural or societal norms: In some cases, societal pressures or cultural beliefs can perpetuate abusive behaviors or discourage victims from leaving.

• Mental health issues: Conditions like untreated trauma, anger issues, or personality disorders can contribute to abusive tendencies.

It's a heartbreaking cycle, but understanding these factors is a step toward breaking it. What are your thoughts on this?" (Source: Microsoft Copilot 2025)

Major Lessons Learned from an Abusive Relationship: Supportive Information

"Experiencing an abusive relationship can be an incredibly difficult and traumatic experience. While each situation is unique, there are some major lessons that people often learn from such relationships. Here are some common lessons that survivors of abusive relationships have shared:

1. Recognizing red flags: One of the most significant lessons learned is to recognize the warning signs and red flags of abuse. This includes understanding the different forms of abuse, such as physical, emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse. Survivors become more attuned to behaviors that are manipulative, controlling, or demeaning, which helps them avoid similar situations in the future.

2. Trusting one's instincts: Many survivors of abusive relationships report ignoring their instincts or gut feelings during the course of the relationship. They learn to trust their intuition more and to listen to warning signs that something is not right. Developing self-trust becomes an essential aspect of moving forward.

3. Setting boundaries: Abusive relationships often involve a lack of respect for boundaries. Survivors learn the importance of setting and enforcing healthy boundaries in all aspects of life. This includes relationships with family, friends, and future partners. They understand that setting clear limits is crucial for their emotional and physical well-being.

4. Building self-esteem: Abusive relationships can take a toll on one's self-esteem, often leading to feelings of worthlessness and self-blame. Survivors learn to rebuild their self-worth and prioritize their own needs and desires. They work on self-compassion, self-care, and surrounding themselves with supportive people who uplift them.

5. Seeking help and support: Many survivors of abusive relationships initially hesitate to seek help due to fear, shame, or guilt. However, as they learn about the dynamics of abuse, they realize the importance of reaching out for support. This may involve confiding in friends, family, or professionals such as therapists, counselors, or support groups.

6. Understanding the cycle of abuse: Survivors often gain insights into the cycle of abuse, which typically consists of a tension-building phase, an explosive incident, and a honeymoon phase. Recognizing this pattern helps survivors understand that the abuse is not their fault and that it is the responsibility of the abuser to seek help and change.

7. Prioritizing self-care: Abuse can leave survivors feeling emotionally and physically drained. Learning to prioritize self-care becomes crucial for healing and moving forward. This may involve engaging in activities that bring joy, practicing self-compassion, and taking time for rest and relaxation.

8. Establishing healthy relationship patterns: Survivors often make a conscious effort to break free from toxic relationship patterns and establish healthier dynamics in their future relationships. They learn about healthy communication, mutual respect, trust, and the importance of equality and consent.

9. Advocating for oneself: Survivors of abusive relationships often develop a strong sense of self-advocacy. They learn to assert their needs, speak up for themselves, and protect their boundaries. This newfound strength allows them to advocate for their rights in various aspects of life.

10. Empathy and compassion for others: Having experienced the pain and trauma of an abusive relationship, survivors often develop a deeper sense of empathy and compassion for others who have gone through similar experiences. This can lead them to support and uplift fellow survivors, and even become advocates for ending domestic violence.

It's important to note that everyone's journey and lessons learned may vary. Each individual's experience is unique, and the healing process is personal. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, it is crucial to seek help from professionals or organizations specializing in domestic violence support." (Source: Chat GPT 2023)

Why Are Narcissists So often (So, Imperiously) Late?

Narcissistic Lateness is more than a Superficial Behavioral Quirk - It is a Manifestation of Deeper Psychological Processes involving Entitlement, Control, Lack of Empathy, and Distorted Self-Perception

“You can teach a narcissist to show up on time, but you can't train them to listen once they get there.” ― Dr. Ramani Durvasula

Abstract

"Chronic lateness is a behavioral trait often associated with narcissistic individuals. While many people may occasionally run late due to external factors, narcissists tend to exhibit a pattern of tardiness rooted in deeper psychological and personality constructs. This paper explores the phenomenon of narcissistic lateness by examining narcissistic personality traits, such as entitlement, grandiosity, lack of empathy, time distortion, and control-seeking behavior. It also discusses the implications of such behavior in personal and professional settings. Drawing on current psychological research and real-world case studies, the paper highlights how consistent lateness may reflect a narcissist’s internal world and social dysfunction, ultimately serving as a form of manipulation, power assertion, or disregard for others’ time and boundaries.

Introduction

Punctuality is widely regarded as a fundamental social norm that signals respect, responsibility, and reliability. In contrast, chronic lateness can be interpreted as inconsiderate or even disrespectful. For individuals with narcissistic personality traits, habitual lateness often goes beyond mere forgetfulness or disorganization—it becomes an extension of their psychological makeup. Narcissists frequently arrive late to events, meetings, or personal engagements, leaving others feeling dismissed, undervalued, or manipulated. This recurring behavior raises important questions: Why are narcissists so often late, and what underlying psychological mechanisms drive this pattern?

This paper aims to address these questions by exploring the nexus between narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and lateness. It begins with an overview of narcissism and its defining characteristics, followed by an exploration of key psychological drivers of lateness, such as entitlement, time perception, and control. Additionally, the social and relational consequences of this behavior will be examined. Finally, interventions and strategies for dealing with narcissistic lateness in various settings will be proposed.

Understanding Narcissism

Definition and Characteristics

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a complex and multifaceted psychological condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a strong need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others (American Psychiatric Association [APA], 2013). Individuals with NPD often view themselves as superior, entitled to special treatment, and indifferent to how their actions affect others. Narcissism exists on a spectrum; while some individuals may meet the full diagnostic criteria for NPD, others may exhibit subclinical or “everyday” narcissistic traits.

Key features of narcissism include:

• Grandiosity and exaggerated self-importance
• Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, or beauty
• A strong need for excessive admiration
• A sense of entitlement
• Interpersonal exploitiveness
• Lack of empathy
• Envy toward others or belief that others are envious of them
• Arrogant or haughty behaviors (Miller et al., 2010)

These traits form the basis for various maladaptive interpersonal behaviors, including manipulation, disregard for social norms, and chronic lateness.

The Psychological Drivers of Narcissistic Lateness

1. Entitlement and Grandiosity

Narcissists often believe that the rules that apply to others do not apply to them. Their sense of entitlement may lead them to devalue punctuality, viewing it as a constraint that does not befit their perceived status. According to Morf and Rhodewalt (2001), narcissists construct and maintain an inflated self-image by manipulating their environment and the people around them. This often involves behaviors that reinforce their superiority, such as arriving late and expecting others to wait.

2. Time Distortion and Disregard for Structure

Research indicates that narcissists often exhibit a distorted perception of time (Paulhus & Williams, 2002). They may genuinely underestimate how long tasks take or overestimate their ability to complete multiple activities within a short time frame. This distortion is further exacerbated by their impulsivity and lack of planning—a consequence of their grandiose self-beliefs.

In many cases, the narcissist’s disregard for structured time reflects a deeper indifference to the needs and experiences of others. By not valuing others’ time, they subtly communicate that their own schedule, needs, and priorities are paramount.

3. Control and Power Dynamics

Chronic lateness can also be a subtle but powerful method of control. By keeping others waiting, narcissists may assert dominance in a given interaction, establishing themselves as the person with more power or status. This behavior is consistent with the concept of “interpersonal control” outlined by Campbell et al. (2005), who suggest that narcissists often seek to control interactions to reinforce their superiority and self-worth.

Lateness becomes a tool for asserting dominance—creating an environment in which others are made to feel anxious, subordinate, or unimportant.

4. Attention-Seeking Behavior

Arriving late may also serve an attention-seeking function. Narcissists thrive on being the center of attention and may use lateness as a dramatic entrance strategy, ensuring that all eyes are on them when they arrive. This behavior aligns with their need for admiration and reinforcement (Ronningstam, 2005).

Such tactics are often reinforced if others respond with concern, flattery, or accommodation, thereby validating the narcissist’s belief in their own specialness and superiority.

Interpersonal Impacts of Narcissistic Lateness

1. Strained Relationships

For those in close relationships with narcissists, chronic lateness can be exhausting and emotionally damaging. It often leaves partners, friends, or coworkers feeling devalued and disrespected. Over time, this can erode trust and intimacy, leading to frustration and conflict.

Narcissistic lateness may also be accompanied by gaslighting or deflection. The narcissist may blame traffic, scheduling errors, or even the other person, refusing to take accountability. This dynamic undermines healthy communication and fosters emotional instability in relationships (Campbell & Foster, 2007).

2. Professional Disruption

In professional settings, lateness can jeopardize collaboration, deadlines, and team cohesion. While narcissists may excel in individual performance, their lack of respect for shared timelines can hinder group productivity and morale (Judge et al., 2006).

Moreover, when narcissists occupy leadership roles, their lateness may set a negative example, eroding organizational culture and encouraging similar behavior among subordinates.

3. Manipulation and Gaslighting

Chronic lateness may also be part of a broader pattern of psychological manipulation. The narcissist may use lateness to test boundaries, trigger insecurity, or create chaos—especially if they know that punctuality is important to someone. When confronted, they often deflect blame, minimize the issue, or make the other person feel unreasonable for being upset.

This can be especially harmful in romantic relationships, where the emotional stakes are high. Lateness, when repeated and unexplained, becomes a subtle form of emotional abuse.

Narcissistic Lateness in Cultural and Social Contexts

Culture plays a significant role in the interpretation of punctuality. In some cultures, relaxed attitudes toward time are common and socially acceptable. However, narcissistic lateness goes beyond cultural norms; it is characterized not by general laxness but by targeted, interpersonal disregard.

In Western, time-conscious societies, being late is often interpreted as a sign of disrespect or inefficiency. For narcissists, violating this norm becomes an act of defiance and control. It also functions as a symbolic expression of self-importance: “I’m too important to wait, and you must wait for me.”

Case Studies

Case Study 1: Romantic Relationship

Emma, a 30-year-old teacher, reported that her narcissistic partner was “always late” to dinner dates, events, and even important milestones such as family gatherings. Despite repeated conversations, he remained unapologetic, often blaming work or traffic. Emma eventually realized that the lateness wasn’t accidental—it was a consistent pattern that mirrored his broader disregard for her needs.

Case Study 2: Workplace Behavior

Jonathan, a manager known for his exceptional technical skills, often showed up late to team meetings. His tardiness disrupted discussions and forced colleagues to repeat information. When confronted, he either offered superficial apologies or criticized the meeting's relevance. HR eventually intervened, noting that his behavior contributed to a toxic team environment. Though he was technically competent, his narcissistic lateness eroded team trust and performance.

Coping with Narcissistic Lateness

1. Setting Clear Boundaries

One of the most effective strategies in dealing with narcissistic lateness is establishing and enforcing boundaries. This includes setting firm expectations around time and sticking to them—starting meetings or events without waiting for the narcissist.

2. Avoiding Emotional Investment

It’s important not to internalize or personalize a narcissist’s lateness. Their behavior reflects their psychological traits, not your value. Keeping emotional distance and refraining from repeated confrontation can help preserve one’s mental well-being.

3. Documentation in Professional Settings

In work environments, documenting repeated lateness and its effects on team performance can be crucial. This creates a factual record that can support HR interventions or performance reviews.

4. Therapeutic Support

For those in close relationships with narcissists, therapy can offer tools for understanding narcissistic behaviors, building resilience, and protecting one’s sense of self-worth. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and trauma-informed approaches are especially helpful for dealing with emotional fallout.

Theoretical Perspectives

• Psychoanalytic Theory

Freudian psychoanalysis suggests that narcissistic traits stem from unresolved developmental conflicts, particularly in early childhood. Chronic lateness may serve as a defense mechanism—a way to reassert control in response to deep-seated feelings of inadequacy (Kernberg, 1975).

• Behavioral Theory

From a behavioral standpoint, lateness may be reinforced by positive outcomes: attention, dominance, or avoidance of undesired tasks. Over time, these rewards solidify the behavior pattern.

• Social Learning Theory

Social learning theory posits that individuals model behaviors they observe in others, especially figures of authority or influence (Bandura, 1977). If a narcissist was raised in an environment where lateness was tolerated or even rewarded, they may replicate and exaggerate this behavior.

The Narcissist and Time Management 

Conclusion

Narcissistic lateness is more than a superficial behavioral quirk—it is a manifestation of deeper psychological processes involving entitlement, control, lack of empathy, and distorted self-perception. By understanding the mechanisms behind this behavior, we gain insight into the broader relational patterns of narcissistic individuals.

While occasional lateness is human, persistent disregard for time—especially when paired with manipulation or deflection—can be profoundly damaging to relationships, workplaces, and communities. Addressing this behavior requires both awareness and strategic boundaries, ideally supported by psychological education and professional guidance." (Source: ChatGPT 2025)

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.).

Bandura, A. (1977). Social learning theory. Prentice Hall.

Campbell, W. K., & Foster, C. A. (2007). The narcissistic self: Background, an extended agency model, and ongoing controversies. In C. Sedikides & S. J. Spencer (Eds.), The self (pp. 115–138). Psychology Press.

Campbell, W. K., Reeder, G. D., Sedikides, C., & Elliot, A. J. (2000). Narcissism and comparative self-enhancement strategies. Journal of Research in Personality, 34(3), 329–347.

Judge, T. A., LePine, J. A., & Rich, B. L. (2006). Loving yourself abundantly: Relationship of the narcissistic personality to self- and other perceptions of workplace deviance, leadership, and task and contextual performance. Journal of Applied Psychology, 91(4), 762–776.

Kernberg, O. F. (1975). Borderline conditions and pathological narcissism. Jason Aronson.

Miller, J. D., Campbell, W. K., & Pilkonis, P. A. (2007). Narcissistic personality disorder: Relations with distress and functional impairment. Comprehensive Psychiatry, 48(2), 170–177.

Morf, C. C., & Rhodewalt, F. (2001). Unraveling the paradoxes of narcissism: A dynamic self-regulatory processing model. Psychological Inquiry, 12(4), 177–196.

Paulhus, D. L., & Williams, K. M. (2002). The dark triad of personality: Narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. Journal of Research in Personality, 36(6), 556–563.

Ronningstam, E. (2005). Identifying and understanding the narcissistic personality. Oxford University Press.

Report: ChatGPT 2025

The Impact of Living with Someone with ASPD

Living with someone with Antisocial Personality Disorder can be profoundly damaging, marked by fear, exploitation, relational instability, financial loss, and psychological trauma

“The cardinal feature of antisocial personality disorder is an incapacity for experiencing genuine inner guilt and the associated lack of concern for others. Individuals with antisocial personality display a predominantly narcissistic orientation in which even the seeming islands of devotion hide selfish motives. They have an excessive sensitivity to displeasure, an 'addiction to novelty,' and a highly cynical view of the world. Their self-concept is that of a victim and an exception to ordinary social rules.” ― Salman Akhtar

Introduction

"Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) is one of the most severe and challenging personality disorders to manage, both clinically and relationally. Characterized by pervasive disregard for the rights of others, chronic irresponsibility, and lack of remorse, ASPD affects approximately 1–4% of the general population and is significantly more prevalent in forensic populations (American Psychiatric Association [APA], 2013; Moran, 1999). While research has traditionally emphasized the criminal, legal, and clinical outcomes of ASPD, less attention has been given to the impact on those who live with or maintain close relationships with affected individuals.

Living with someone with ASPD—whether as a romantic partner, child, sibling, or parent—can be emotionally exhausting, psychologically damaging, and practically destabilizing. The consequences often include chronic stress, trauma, social isolation, financial instability, and erosion of trust. Understanding these impacts is essential not only for clinical practice but also for developing coping strategies and support systems for loved ones.

This essay examines the emotional, psychological, relational, and financial consequences of living with someone with ASPD, drawing on empirical research, clinical theory, and lived-experience literature. It also considers resilience strategies, therapeutic approaches, and ethical dilemmas inherent in such relationships.

Understanding Antisocial Personality Disorder

Diagnostic Features

According to the DSM-5, ASPD is defined by a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others since age 15, as indicated by at least three of the following (APA, 2013):

• Failure to conform to social norms regarding lawful behaviors.

• Deceitfulness, including lying, use of aliases, or conning others.

• Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead.

• Irritability and aggressiveness.

• Reckless disregard for the safety of self or others.

• Consistent irresponsibility.

• Lack of remorse after harming others.

These behaviors typically begin in adolescence with conduct disorder and continue into adulthood.

• Prevalence and Comorbidity

ASPD is more common in men and has high comorbidity with substance use disorders, depression, and other Cluster B personality disorders (Compton et al., 2005). The disorder is strongly associated with criminality, violence, and recidivism, though not all individuals with ASPD engage in criminal behavior (Hare, 1999).

• Impact on Interpersonal Relationships

Because ASPD is characterized by deceit, exploitation, and lack of empathy, close relationships are often unstable, conflictual, and abusive (Salekin, 2002). Loved ones may experience manipulation, betrayal, or even physical danger.

Emotional Consequences for Loved Ones

• Fear and Hypervigilance

Living with someone with ASPD often involves chronic fear. The unpredictability of aggression, manipulation, or reckless behavior creates a climate of hypervigilance. Loved ones may feel they are constantly “on guard,” anticipating conflict or betrayal (Miller et al., 2010).

• Loss of Trust

Deceit and manipulation erode trust in relationships. Partners, children, and family members may find themselves questioning reality, doubting their perceptions, and becoming suspicious not only of the individual with ASPD but also of others in their lives (Cleckley, 1988).

• Emotional Exhaustion

Close relationships with individuals with ASPD can be draining due to constant crises, conflicts, and manipulations. Loved ones may experience compassion fatigue and feelings of hopelessness (Evans et al., 2017).

Relational Dynamics 

• Romantic Relationships

Partners of individuals with ASPD frequently report cycles of charm, manipulation, betrayal, and abuse. Initial attraction may be fueled by charisma and confidence, but relationships often devolve into exploitation and emotional or physical harm (Leedom & Andersen, 2011). Intimate partner violence is significantly more common in relationships involving ASPD (Swogger et al., 2012).

• Parent-Child Relationships

Children raised by parents with ASPD face unique challenges. They may experience neglect, inconsistent discipline, or exposure to violence. Research shows higher risks of trauma, attachment difficulties, and developing conduct or personality disorders themselves (Farrington, 2006). Adult children often struggle with trust, intimacy, and self-esteem due to early experiences of manipulation or abuse.

• Sibling and Family Dynamics

ASPD can fracture family systems through conflict, triangulation, and exploitation. Siblings may compete for attention or resources, while extended family relationships may be strained due to theft, deceit, or repeated crises (Hare, 1999).

Psychological and Physical Health Consequences

• Mental Health Strain

Loved ones of individuals with ASPD are at heightened risk of developing anxiety disorders, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and complex trauma (Evans et al., 2017). Gaslighting and manipulation undermine self-esteem and reality-testing, leaving long-lasting psychological scars.

• Physical Health

Chronic stress linked to such relationships contributes to physical health issues, including cardiovascular problems, sleep disturbances, headaches, and immune dysfunction (Sapolsky, 2004). Exposure to physical violence further increases risks of injury or long-term health complications.

Financial and Practical Consequences 

• Financial Exploitation

Individuals with ASPD often manipulate or exploit others for financial gain. This may include theft, fraud, reckless spending, or coercing partners into debt. Financial instability is a recurring theme in families of individuals with ASPD (Salekin, 2002).

• Legal and Safety Concerns

Due to high rates of criminal behavior, loved ones may face legal entanglements, police involvement, or reputational damage. They may also bear responsibility for managing crises such as arrests, court appearances, or bail (Moran, 1999).

Social Consequences

• Isolation

Loved ones may become socially isolated due to shame, stigma, or manipulation. Individuals with ASPD often control their partners’ social circles or alienate them from friends and family (Cleckley, 1988).

• Stigma

Associating with someone diagnosed with ASPD can lead to social stigma. Families may experience judgment, misunderstanding, or avoidance from their communities (Evans et al., 2017).

Coping and Resilience Strategies

• Psychoeducation

Understanding ASPD is an essential first step for loved ones. Psychoeducation provides frameworks for recognizing manipulative patterns, reducing self-blame, and setting realistic expectations (Linehan, 1993).

• Boundaries

Establishing firm boundaries is critical. This includes financial limits, emotional detachment, and in some cases, physical separation to ensure safety (Gunderson, 2001).

• Therapy and Support

Individual therapy, group therapy, and support groups (e.g., for survivors of abuse) help loved ones process trauma and develop resilience (Evans et al., 2017). Cognitive-behavioral strategies and trauma-informed care are especially beneficial.

• Exit Strategies

In cases of severe abuse, developing an exit plan is vital. This may involve safety planning, legal resources, and building supportive networks to facilitate leaving the relationship (Walker, 2013).

Treatment of ASPD and Implications for Families

• Clinical Challenges

ASPD is notoriously difficult to treat. Individuals with the disorder often lack insight and motivation to change, and dropout rates in therapy are high (Hare, 1999).

• Emerging Approaches

Recent therapeutic approaches include schema therapy, mentalization-based therapy, and contingency management. While outcomes are modest, structured interventions may reduce impulsivity and aggression (Davidson et al., 2009).

• Implications for Loved Ones

Families should maintain realistic expectations. While some individuals with ASPD may improve with intervention, others may remain resistant. Loved ones may benefit more from focusing on their own healing than attempting to “fix” the individual (Gunderson, 2001).

Ethical and Existential Dimensions

Living with someone with ASPD often involves ethical dilemmas: Should one remain loyal or prioritize self-preservation? What are the moral obligations to a partner or family member who continually violates trust and safety? These questions carry existential weight, forcing loved ones to reflect on their values, boundaries, and definitions of love and responsibility (Yalom, 1980).

Conclusion

Living with someone with Antisocial Personality Disorder can be profoundly damaging, marked by fear, exploitation, relational instability, financial loss, and psychological trauma. Romantic partners, children, siblings, and family members face unique but overlapping challenges, often at the expense of their emotional and physical health. While coping strategies such as education, boundaries, therapy, and support can mitigate some of the impact, the resilience of loved ones is continually tested.

Although treatment for ASPD remains limited, there is potential for modest improvement under structured interventions. Nevertheless, the primary focus for families should be safeguarding their well-being, reclaiming autonomy, and fostering resilience. Ultimately, the impact of ASPD underscores the necessity of viewing personality disorders not only as individual conditions but also as relational phenomena with widespread ripple effects." (Source: ChatGPT 2025)

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). APA.

Cleckley, H. (1988). The mask of sanity (5th ed.). Mosby.

Compton, W. M., Conway, K. P., Stinson, F. S., Colliver, J. D., & Grant, B. F. (2005). Prevalence, correlates, and comorbidity of DSM-IV antisocial personality syndromes and alcohol and specific drug use disorders in the United States: Results from the national epidemiologic survey on alcohol and related conditions. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 66(6), 677–685.

Davidson, K. M., Tyrer, P., Tata, P., Cooke, D., Gumley, A., Ford, I., ... & Crawford, M. J. (2009). Cognitive behaviour therapy for antisocial personality disorder: Randomised controlled trial. British Journal of Psychiatry, 195(6), 493–499.

Evans, C., Ehlers, A., Mezey, G., & Clark, D. M. (2017). Intrusive memories in perpetrators of violent crime: Emotion and cognition. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 75(1), 134–144.

Farrington, D. P. (2006). Family background and psychopathy. In C. J. Patrick (Ed.), Handbook of psychopathy (pp. 229–250). Guilford Press.

Gunderson, J. G. (2001). Personality disorders and interpersonal relationships. American Psychiatric Press.

Hare, R. D. (1999). Without conscience: The disturbing world of the psychopaths among us. Guilford Press.

Leedom, L. J., & Andersen, C. (2011). The impact of psychopathy on romantic relationships. Journal of Personality Disorders, 25(5), 1–15.

Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.

Miller, J. D., Lynam, D. R., Widiger, T. A., & Leukefeld, C. (2010). Personality disorders as extreme variants of common personality dimensions: Can the Five-Factor Model adequately represent psychopathy? Journal of Personality, 69(2), 253–276.

Moran, P. (1999). Antisocial personality disorder: An epidemiological perspective. European Psychiatry, 14(1), 1–14.

Salekin, R. T. (2002). Psychopathy and therapeutic pessimism: Clinical lore or clinical reality? Clinical Psychology Review, 22(1), 79–112.

Sapolsky, R. M. (2004). Why zebras don’t get ulcers: The acclaimed guide to stress, stress-related diseases, and coping (3rd ed.). Holt Paperbacks.

Swogger, M. T., Walsh, Z., & Kosson, D. S. (2012). Domestic violence and psychopathic traits: Distinguishing the antisocial batterer from other antisocial offenders. Aggressive Behavior, 33(3), 1–12.

Walker, L. E. (2013). The battered woman syndrome (4th ed.). Springer.

Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential psychotherapy. Basic Books.

The Impact of Living with Someone with NPD

Living with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an experience marked by emotional strain, relational instability, and psychological trauma

“When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.” ― Brené Brown

Abstract

"Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a pervasive mental health condition defined by patterns of grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy (American Psychiatric Association [APA], 2013). While research often emphasizes the psychopathology of individuals with NPD, comparatively less attention has been given to the impact of the disorder on their close relationships. This paper explores the emotional, psychological, relational, and practical consequences of living with someone diagnosed with NPD, with a focus on spouses, children, and family members. It also examines coping strategies, therapeutic interventions, and the potential for recovery and resilience. Through an integration of clinical literature, psychological theory, and family studies, the paper highlights the multifaceted burden of NPD on loved ones while acknowledging the possibilities for personal growth and healing.

Introduction

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is one of the most complex and challenging personality disorders, not only because of its clinical manifestations but also due to its profound impact on interpersonal relationships. Defined by the DSM-5 as a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy, NPD affects approximately 0.5% to 1% of the general population (APA, 2013). While individuals with NPD often struggle with deep-seated insecurity and fragile self-esteem, their external behaviors—manipulativeness, exploitation, and emotional unavailability—create significant strain on those closest to them (Miller et al., 2010).

Living with someone who has NPD can lead to emotional distress, erosion of self-esteem, relational instability, and in some cases, psychological trauma. Spouses may find themselves entangled in cycles of idealization and devaluation, while children may experience neglect or conditional love that impacts their long-term development (Campbell & Miller, 2011). Friends and extended family members may also struggle with manipulation, conflict, and estrangement.

This paper provides a comprehensive analysis of the impact of living with someone with NPD. It explores emotional consequences, relational dynamics, effects on mental and physical health, financial and social implications, and available coping strategies. The discussion concludes by emphasizing resilience, therapeutic interventions, and the potential for recovery.

Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Clinical Features

According to the DSM-5, the diagnostic criteria for NPD include the following features (APA, 2013):

• Grandiose sense of self-importance.

• Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

• Belief in being “special” and unique.

• Need for excessive admiration.

• Sense of entitlement.

• Interpersonally exploitative behavior.

• Lack of empathy.

• Envy of others or belief that others are envious of them.

• Arrogant or haughty behaviors.

These characteristics shape interpersonal relationships, often creating dynamics of control, emotional neglect, and volatility.

Types of Narcissism

Recent scholarship distinguishes between two primary forms of narcissism:

• Grandiose narcissism, marked by overt arrogance, dominance, and entitlement.

• Vulnerable narcissism, characterized by hypersensitivity, insecurity, and covert manipulation (Pincus & Lukowitsky, 2010).

Both forms can deeply affect loved ones, albeit in different ways.

Emotional Consequences for Loved Ones

• Erosion of Self-Esteem

Living with someone with NPD often erodes the self-esteem of spouses, children, or family members. Constant criticism, comparison, and devaluation lead individuals to doubt their worth and capabilities (Campbell & Miller, 2011).

• Chronic Anxiety and Fear

Loved ones often live with heightened anxiety due to the unpredictability of emotional outbursts or manipulative behavior. The fear of conflict or retaliation can create a hypervigilant household atmosphere (Torgersen, 2012).

• Guilt and Self-Blame

Due to the narcissist’s tendency to deflect responsibility, loved ones may internalize blame for relationship problems. This dynamic fosters guilt and confusion, making it harder to recognize abuse (Bachar et al., 2002).

Relational Dynamics 

• Romantic Relationships

Romantic partners of individuals with NPD often describe a cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard (Campbell & Foster, 2007). Initially, the narcissistic partner may shower affection and admiration, creating a powerful sense of connection. However, this stage typically gives way to devaluation, where the partner’s flaws are magnified, and affection is withdrawn. In some cases, relationships end abruptly through “discarding,” leaving the partner emotionally devastated.

• Parent-Child Relationships

Children of narcissistic parents frequently suffer from inconsistent caregiving and conditional love. They may be valued only when meeting the parent’s needs, leading to difficulties with identity, boundaries, and emotional regulation later in life (Brummelman & Thomaes, 2016). Adult children often report patterns of perfectionism, self-doubt, and difficulty forming healthy relationships.

• Sibling and Family Dynamics

Narcissistic individuals often pit family members against one another through favoritism, manipulation, or triangulation. This can lead to fractured family systems and long-term estrangement (Lubit, 2002).

Psychological and Physical Health Consequences

• Mental Health Strain

Research shows that individuals in close relationships with someone with NPD are at increased risk of depression, anxiety disorders, and post-traumatic stress symptoms (Fiedler et al., 2004). Emotional abuse and gaslighting can undermine reality testing, contributing to confusion and self-doubt.

• Physical Health

Chronic stress resulting from such relationships can manifest as physical symptoms: headaches, gastrointestinal issues, insomnia, and compromised immune functioning (Sapolsky, 2004). Over time, the toll on physical health can be profound.

Social and Financial Implications

• Social Isolation

Loved ones may become isolated due to the narcissist’s controlling behavior or social manipulation. The narcissistic individual may restrict outside connections or damage relationships with extended family and friends (Ronningstam, 2005).

• Financial Strain

Financial exploitation is common, as individuals with NPD may exercise control over money, engage in reckless spending, or manipulate resources for self-enhancement. This creates long-term financial stress for partners and families (Campbell & Foster, 2007).

Coping Strategies and Resilience 

• Psychoeducation

Understanding NPD is a crucial step in reducing self-blame and recognizing patterns of manipulation. Psychoeducation provides language and frameworks to understand what often feels chaotic and irrational (Twenge & Campbell, 2009).

• Boundaries

Establishing and maintaining firm boundaries is essential for emotional survival. Boundaries reduce enmeshment and protect individuals from exploitation (Linehan, 1993).

• Therapy and Support Groups

Therapeutic support—individual therapy, family therapy, or group support—helps loved ones process trauma, rebuild self-esteem, and develop healthier coping mechanisms (Bachar et al., 2002).

• Self-Care

Engaging in practices such as mindfulness, journaling, physical exercise, and cultivating supportive friendships can help mitigate the emotional toll of living with someone with NPD (Neff, 2011).

Treatment and Recovery for NPD

While NPD is challenging to treat, emerging therapies show promise. Approaches such as schema therapy, mentalization-based therapy, and transference-focused psychotherapy have been used to address narcissistic pathology (Gabbard, 2009). Although change is often slow and requires sustained effort, some individuals with NPD can develop greater empathy and relational awareness over time.

Ethical and Existential Dimensions

Living with someone with NPD often forces loved ones to confront ethical dilemmas about loyalty, responsibility, and autonomy. Should one stay in the relationship, attempt to help, or leave to preserve their own well-being? These dilemmas can evoke existential questions about love, meaning, and selfhood, sometimes leading to profound personal transformation for those involved (Yalom, 1980).

Conclusion

Living with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an experience marked by emotional strain, relational instability, and psychological trauma. Loved ones may suffer from erosion of self-esteem, social isolation, financial exploitation, and mental health challenges. However, awareness, psychoeducation, boundaries, and therapy can mitigate the negative impact and foster resilience. While treatment for NPD is complex and long-term, relational healing is possible when loved ones reclaim their autonomy, self-worth, and voice. Ultimately, the impact of NPD is profound—but it can also catalyze growth, resilience, and the pursuit of healthier relationships." (Source: ChatGPT 2025)

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). APA.

Bachar, E., Hadar, H., & Shalev, R. (2002). Narcissistic vulnerability, somatization, and their relation to shame. Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice, 75(3), 327–337.

Brummelman, E., & Thomaes, S. (2016). Narcissism and the development of self. In V. Zeigler-Hill & T. Shackelford (Eds.), Encyclopedia of personality and individual differences (pp. 1–5). Springer.

Campbell, W. K., & Foster, J. D. (2007). The narcissistic self: Background, an extended agency model, and ongoing controversies. In C. Sedikides & S. Spencer (Eds.), The self (pp. 115–138). Psychology Press.

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