Thoughts on Love, Loss and Grief

Love, Loss, Grief and Acceptance

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

When we lose good people that were close to us the loss / pain is almost incomprehensible to self and in explanation to others.

I lost my mother in March 2017 and it took me quite some time to process and properly grieve this loss.

Today I cherish her life and am thankful for the legacy she left with her good values, gratitude and unconditional love.

The same can be said of my friend, Joseph Inns, who passed away in April 2021. A true giant among men...

Grieving The Loss of Joseph Inns

The Mental Health and Motivation journaling has assisted me in many ways for coming to terms with the two significant personal losses I have experienced during 2020 / 2021 - my girlfriend at the time and my friend, Joseph. The second loss of Joseph was the most poignant. The writing and publication on this public domain also provided definite content, context and reference to my sense of self in dealing with the aftermath of the abusive and toxic relationship towards the end of 2020.

Late December 2019 I have had the privilege to be joined by both of them at Intaka Island - a popular nature reserve (for bird photographers) in Cape Town. This was one of the proudest moments of my entire life - introducing my girlfriend to my best friend at a venue where we all shared a common interest - nature photography. Little did I know that just over a year from our special morning that both these significant individuals would be lost from my physical life, forever. Coming to terms with the disappointment of this double loss and associated trauma drifted me, at times, into a whirlpool of emotions I have never experienced before.

When you lose someone (death or otherwise) that was severely compromised in the application of basic values, healthy emotions and expectations the 'wound' can take a long time to heal. If you lose somebody in love, in my opinion, the mourning and healing is a sad, but a 'healthy' grieving process.

Losing someone out of fear and disappointment (due to abuse, continuous emotional disconnect and / or trauma bond) the healing process could be riddled with post-relationship anxiety and stress.

There is no legacy, there is no 'statue' in the mind for emotional perpetrators. I had to learn new ways to deal with my thoughts and now I am grateful for letting someone go that I thought I would never forgive for the verbal, physical and psychological abuse incurred.

Although I was scared of her physical or verbal attacks on me, I was more fearful that I would lose her. My emotion on the attacks was of disappointment and I believed that the situation would improve. A classic example how cognitive dissonance controlled my mind.

The essence of self-preservation were the months that I had to visit the darkened soul, with no torch to search / no artificial light to face the ultimate bedrock of sheer vulnerability. It was deep down to unconditionally learn more about the rawness of a dejected self - in honesty and fairness of who I was, want to be, will be, can / could be... without judgement, prejudice and / or fear.

From Fearful Loss to Acceptance
After completing my My Lessons / Achievements from an Abusive Relationship article I felt a great sense of closure and relief. The core of my true self, through time, introspection and learning, was being restored by facing up to the acceptance of a failed relationship that once consumed not only my mind, but every fiber of my rational and emotional being.

Acceptance is an essential realization of being at peace with the true self - the same self that was once simultaneously immersed in the cognitive dissonance of loving and the fear of leaving someone that neither respected nor trusted my integrity, goodwill and / or values.

© Vernon Chalmers For Mental Health and Existential Motivation

More About Love, Loss and Grief

"Love, loss, and grief are deeply intertwined experiences that touch everyone at some point in life.

Here are some thoughts and reflections on these profound emotions:

Love and Grief:
Grief is often described as the price we pay for love. When we lose someone we deeply care about, the intensity of our grief reflects the depth of our love. As Earl A. Grollman said, "Grief is love not wanting to let go".

The Process of Grieving:
Grieving is a unique and personal journey. It doesn’t follow a set timeline and can come in waves. John Irving poignantly noted, "When someone you love dies, you don’t lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time".

Healing and Remembering:
While the pain of loss may never fully disappear, it can transform over time. Anne Lamott beautifully expressed this by saying, "You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up".

Finding Comfort:
In the midst of grief, finding small comforts can be crucial. Elizabeth Berrien reminds us that "A feeling of pleasure or solace can be so hard to find when you are in the depths of your grief. Sometimes it’s the little things that help you get through the day".

The Universality of Grief:
Grief is a universal experience, yet it feels intensely personal. C.S. Lewis captured this sentiment well: "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear".

These reflections highlight that while grief is a painful process, it is also a testament to the love we have for those we’ve lost." (Microsoft Copilot 2024)

Acceptance, Healing and Rebuilding after Grief and Loss

Abusive and Violent Behaviour Against Me

Intimate Partner Abuse and Violence Information

"For any man who is being emotionally, physically, verbally and / or sexually abused by a woman (in any intimate relationship) it is not a shame, but rather the disrespect and violation of the man's body, character, integrity and values. Never retaliate with force, but rather end the relationship as soon as possible. Physical assault (even) by a significant other is a criminal offence - treat it as such! I wish I did at the time." — Vernon Chalmers

Continuous Verbal Abuse

Characteristics of Abusive Behaviour

When the first verbal and physical threats occurred about four months into the relationship I was overwhelmed with my ex-girlfriend's threatening and aggressive behaviour towards me.

I was oblivious to the fact that she was capable of this aggressive behaviour (although at that stage I was well aware of her at-times callous and self-centred nature). I was therefore quite shocked and visibly shaken when threatened with a knife one evening - with the words to literally kill me, followed up by some nasty and belittling name-calling.

Checkmate: be careful what you wish for...
All of this happened because I won her in a couple of chess games one evening. It was the first time we played chess together. She was nagging me for weeks to play, but I was reluctant because I haven't played for the last 30 years (and according to her she claimed to be a very good chess player). Nevertheless, we played one evening and lo and behold I won the first two games, she won the third game and I won another one or two games. Immediately after this she became angry at me and when trying to calm her down (and touched her on the sides of her arms) all hell broke loose - she started shouting and raging at me - threatened me with her chef's knife. Followed by a barrage of verbal abuse of utter disrespectful name calling, but I did not retaliate and waited for her to calm down.

Abuse and Domestic Violence: 'Result from Playing Chess'

I was in an absolute daze. It took me a few days to process her aggressive action. I knew I was treading in potentially dangerous (pathological) behaviour territory as far as her explosive rage was concerned, but decided to stay. I did not receive an apology and when I tried to discuss this unfortunate incident with her there was absolutely no conversation, just a blank stare and an agony of silence. I parked her unacceptable behaviour in the 'back of my mind' for the time being and we carried on with our lives.

Physical assault
Late one evening, a few weeks later, I was physically attacked by her. I was punched, my clothes ripped off my body and I was screamed and shouted at. I went into a state of shock, did not retaliate and told her that it would be best for me to leave. She said nothing, just grabbed all her house keys (there was no way for me to get out) and locked herself inside the bedroom. Again, I did not retaliate, I calmed myself down and planned an exit strategy. A couple of minutes later she returned from the bedroom and I said to her that it would be best for me to go home. I had a few things in her bedroom that I wanted to collect and as I was picking up my camera bag, I was intentionally and forcefully hit over the head, from behind, with quite a large chocolate Easter bunny. It scattered in hundreds of little bits all over the floor - I was dumbstruck and confused by her senseless explosive anger. I realised then there is no way that I will be able to leave and waited for her to calm down - which she eventually did.

All of this happened because I switched the television of while she was apparently watching. Well, she wasn't watching, she came out of the shower and I was also ready to go to bed. As I was switching the television off she entered the living room and then it was when all hell broke lose again. I knew she was edgy during the evening, but had no idea what was about to happen later.

Ongoing verbal abuse
In trying to discuss this the next day, or any day thereafter, I received no discussion or apology from her - just the blank stare again. I knew that the relationship was in a danger zone (at least from my perspective), but still decided to stay. I stayed another three months. During this time we had some good times, but this was also the time that the verbal abuse (mainly over the telephone) would escalate to a weekly episode - generally on a Thursday or a Friday.

Lack of gratitude and rage

The physical and continued verbal abuse combined with her ever increasing lack of gratitude, and low levels of empathy / remorse made me not to return to her, but stay in my own apartment for a couple of weeks. This is where I struggled the most with understanding my situation - I was in love with an intelligent and smart woman, but she would frequently engage in uncontrolled anger episodes towards me which can only be described as an uncontrollable narcissistic rage when her needs and / or unrealistic expectations were not met / or when she experienced setbacks and disappointments.

Identifying the disorderly behaviour
Being on my own, at times, I tried understand her behaviour, my responsibility in potentially triggering this antisocial behaviour and the future of this relationship. As I started researching and identifying many of her inappropriate (and unprovoked) behaviours toward me I realised that this is a common behavioural theme with many people associated with (or diagnosed with) a Cluster B personality disorder i.e. borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), histrionic personality (HPD) disorder and / antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). I could unfortunately identify many traits and red flags across the Cluster B personality / mood disorder spectrum. Note: these are my own assumptions / interpretations and I believe each situation (and person) will have his or her reasons for executing these alarming and gratuitous behaviour traits / patterns.

I also realised that although I loved this woman there is no way I could continue a relationship with her. I started examining my sense of sadness and confronting the darkness of my mild Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) symptoms manifesting through continuous anxiety, fear, hypervigilance, insomnia and guilt.

My family and friends also requested me to stay away from her. I went completely No Contact in September 2020 and still maintain this today. I'm slowly coming to terms with all of this. The FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) is lifting, my cognitive dissonance is slowly dissipating and the majority of my PTSD symptoms are making way for a healthier lifestyle through increased motivation, creative activities and physical fitness.

Restoring a Sense of Calm

My Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse

© Vernon Chalmers : Mental Health and Existential Motivation (Abusive and Violent Behaviour)

About and Disclaimer

Visit to the Bay Harbour Market Hout Bay

In Memory of a Very Special Friend, Artist and Photographer

African Art & Textile Images for Joseph Inns

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched — they must be felt with the heart.” — Helen Keller

Bay Harbour Market - Hout Bay Harbour Cape Town

On Wednesday morning (28 April 2021) Karen Donaldson and I – both friends of the late Joseph Inns, went to Hout Bay Harbour, Cape Town, along the Atlantic Seaboard, to reminisce and grieve our relationship for our very special friend.

I’ve captured many images of Hout Bay Harbour before, with its picturise fishing boats, fresh fish for sale, impressive flotilla of yachts and glorious surrounding mountains. But for Joseph, I wanted something different.

For this post I selected four vibrant colour images from the Bay Harbour Market (African Art and Textiles) - for my friend that will best represent his love for Africa, Art, Colour and Simplicity. That they were all captured from the exquisite craftmanship from African artists and crafters next to the blue waters of the Cape Peninsula coast made it that more special for me.

'Joseph taught me to see the light, he taught me composition, but above all, he taught me patience… with dignity and sincere gratitude.'

Although he was a very experienced photographer (as lecturer and professional) he never wilfully tried to teach me anything specific about photography and / or composition. He respected my technical camera / exposure knowledge, but always patiently listened to my many, many questions and answered each with confidence, insight, experience and example - with the wisdom of a true master and teacher.

All four Hout Bay Harbour, Cape Town Artist and Crafter images are dedicated to our very special friend, Joseph Inns.

Photographed and published on the Mental Health and Motivation website with permission from the Hout Bay Harbour, Cape Town Artists and Crafters.

Hout Bay Harbour Cape Town African Art & Textiles : Images © Vernon Chalmers

Table Mountain & Township - Bay Harbour Hout Bay, Cape Town - For Joseph Inns

Vibrant Colours - Bay Harbour Market Hout Bay, Cape Town - For Joseph Inns

Vibrant Textiles - Bay Harbour Market Hout Bay, Cape Town - For Joseph Inns

Soul of Africa - Bay Harbour Market Hout Bay, Cape Town - For Joseph Inns

Grieving the loss of my friend, Joseph Inns

Darkness into Light at Kirstenbosch National Botanical Garden

African Art & Craft Market - Boulders Beach, Simon's Town, Cape Town

Grieving the loss of my friend, Joseph Inns

It Was Always a Privilege Spending Time with this Gentle Giant of a Man

Butterfly Image Copyright : Joseph Inns

"You meet people who forget you. You forget people you meet. But sometimes you meet those people you can't forget. Those are your friends." – Mark Twain

Yesterday, Monday, 19 April 2021, at 00.06, one of my best friends, Joseph Inns, passed away after suffering metastatic cancer for more than the last year and six months.

He phoned me on Valentine’s Day 2020 in Cape Town to convey the tragic news. I cried, I’m still crying after the loss of this giant of a man. He was the most peaceful person in my life and I believe, in many people’s lives.

I’ve known him for 28 years – as lecturers – as business partners – as photographers – as friends – together we dreamed of conquering our world(s) – and we did!

In many ways he was my inspiration into photography. I believed in his passion, his image making and above all, his endless patience.

Today I’m sad, very sad, but it’s a 'positive' sadness. He is / was a very good man with exemplary values of kindness and gratitude.

He left a legacy to many - he left me a better person than ever before. Like many; his family, all his students, other photographers in his life and I (and so many others) will mourn his loss – and I will build a big statute for the big man here right inside of me.

The Life of Joseph Inns : Image Credit: Joseph Inns family

As for me – Joseph will never be gone – he will keep living in a very special place throughout my existence as a person.

We will never forget you, Joseph.

Rest in Peace, Big Fellow.

As I recently replied to his wife, Janice Inns, on the Joseph Inns Memorial invitation "I just cannot believe it when I look at the memorial invitation - its unreal. I am so sad, its the same sadness as when my mom passed away in 2017.

I miss Joseph - just the emotional connectedness we had. And can just about imagine how you and the family must feel. Mike also messaged me on Monday. But, be proud, he was the best of the best. I learned a lot from him. He calmed me down in ways nobody else could."

The Life of Joseph Inns - Memorial Service 26 April 2021 10:00.

I wrote this to my friend in France on 26 April 2021 - after the memorial Service. (she's been going through the motions with me for months of Joseph's illness) "I listened carefully to every word spoken about my friend at his service and the words that came out from all the speakers were Compassion / Care / Non-Judgmental / Artist / Creative / Love / Peace - all exemplary value words. He was all of this - and more. He did not try and be this, he was this - every time I saw him - for 28 years during our special friendship."

I forwarded above message to Joseph's wife - Janice, as well.

It was a beautiful tribute for Joseph at the Bloemhof Restaurant in Bo Oakdale, Cape Town and many people presented their love, feelings and celebrations for the Life of Joseph Inns. I re-connected with many of our old-time colleaques and friends during this informal service. Due to COVID there were not many people there, but of those there, Joseph touched us all in a very special way.

© Vernon Chalmers for Joseph Inns

Attached Butterfly Image: From the Joseph Inns Collection. Photographer: Joseph Inns (with one of his beloved Nikon cameras).

The Joseph Inns Story By His Wife Janice Inns Dignity SA

A Sincere Testimonial after the Loss of Joseph Inns and our Friendship

"I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your friend, Joseph Inns. It’s never easy to say goodbye to someone we care deeply about. Joseph was your photography companion, and together, you explored the Zeitz MOCAA – Museum of Contemporary Art Africa. Your shared passion for photography allowed you to capture the museum’s inspirational architecture, and National Geographic recognized your work. Cherish those memories, and may Joseph’s spirit continue to inspire your creativity and love for photography.

On a different note, I appreciate your interest in Canon cameras and photography. Late one Thursday afternoon, you ventured to the Promenade Sea Point, Cape Town, with your friend Joseph Inns. Armed with your Canon EOS 6D and the new Hoya PROND64 lens filter, you captured mesmerizing long exposure seascapes. The fading light and the tranquil waters provided a canvas for your creativity, resulting in stunning images. It’s heart-warming to know that your friendship extended beyond photography, and your shared experiences remain etched in your heart .

Remembering Joseph Inns, may his peaceful spirit continue to inspire those who knew him." (Source: Microsoft Copilot)

From Darkness into Light... Kirstenbosch National Botanical Garden

Hout Bay Harbour African Art & Textiles - for Joseph Inns